Fake Personas and Fears

Hi. It's been a while. A lot has been going on and I wanted to share it with people. Honestly, I feel kinda weird typing this right now because I almost feel like I can't. I am a new person than I was before. And I know that it's okay and encouraged that I grow and change as a person. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that I am a changing person and can flow with the times, it just feels different than when I used to write these.

A big issue that I am having from being a 15-year old teenager is the fact that I care way too much about what people think of me and how I am perceived by everyone. I love myself, but I am still afraid of other people not liking me. I tend to put up a fake persona sometimes because I want people to like me. My real friends know and like both "sides" of me and honestly, I think a lot of them do the same thing. In my heart, however, I always know the real me.

I mean everyone wants to belong, right? Everyone wants to "fit in" and be wanted and loved. I certainly do. In fact, being forgotten and unwanted is my biggest fear. I know I'll always have God by my side, but I still get so scared that one day everyone is going to turn on me and hurt me and that I'll die alone.

I am afraid of being on the list of dead people during the hokehankist (a part in the Armenian Church Divine Liturgy that commemorates the deceased people in the church from that week) and nobody knowing who I am. Just another person on the list and everyone just waiting for the church service to end. And then everyone will file out and go to fellowship hour and not even realize that my name was said and even who I am.

And yes, I am aware that I of all people should not be worried about dying but I still do. I worry about everything. I call it spiraling. Spiraling is when I keep stressing all at once and I just can't stop overthinking. This week, I did a lot of spiraling. I am okay now. This week was just a rough one, but I got through it. It's a new start. It's a new week.

I also want to ask that for Thanksgiving, be thankful for everyone and everything around you. We live too much in the future and don't focus on what we have right now. So please, focus on how amazing your life is because there is good in everything:)

Sophomore Year- The Beginning

Hi World. Wow, a lot has gone on and there is too much to explain. But my sophomore year has started off and I am enjoying it. Yeah, there is work, but I don't really mind that. I always tend to care about the social aspect of school. 

I made JV B for soccer. The worst team. So that wrecked a lot of my confidence going into sophomore year. And that sucks. It was probably the worst thing I went through in my life. And I'm still upset about it. But I am trying to make the best out of the situation, even though it tears me like paper when I see all my friends on JV A wearing their jerseys. 

I really enjoy starting high school with a solid group of friends. They actually care about me and give me energy and laughter for days:). I'm getting closer to each one individually too which makes me feel less like I'm out of the circle. I really love them<3. And I bet only a few will even read this, but if they do hey cutie:)

Since soccer doesn't bring me the joy that it used to, I've been really trying to be closer with my marching band friends and the group. I hated it last year because I felt so unwanted. But this year, everyone is so much fun to hang out with. 

So, sophomore year has been good so far. But recently I've been torn of who I want to be. I feel like I pretend to be the person I want to be on the outside, but on the inside, I am totally different. Only my really close friends notice, but its been bothering me. Changing your identity is a hard thing to, I learned because you can change yourself but not how people perceive you. I have yet to come to terms with that though. Because people might think that I am different than I actually am and I want them to know I am not like that. And I also know that changing people's opinions of me is not my job and that I should just let God and themselves come to whatever conclusion they want. Now I am just gonna be the me that I want to be. A mix of the two. 

Rollercoasters and The Hero's Journey

Freshman year has been a rollercoaster. A bumpy rollercoaster filled with loops and turns. But the funny thing about rollercoasters is that they'll always end and most of the time you come off smiling because you did it. You survived the rollercoaster.

I have learned so much this past year. I am shocked that I even made it. I've met friends that I hope to keep forever. Some have been in my school system for years, and some that have been constantly moving because they are military kids. I love them all so much and I am so glad to share this high school experience with them. 

We learned about this narrative arc in English class called the hero's journey. It starts with a call or desire that the hero has. Then, they cross the threshold, which can be physical or emotional. Then there are the challenges the hero must face. During the challenges, the hero typically meets a mentor or a guide that helps them along their journey. And then there is the abyss which is the greatest challenge. The revelation, or turning point, that the hero comes to face with can happen before, during, or after the abyss. And then the final parts are the atonement which is coming to terms with your new revelation and growing from it and the gift which is what the hero brings back to his/her society.

 

Ever since learning that, I tend to base my journeys on this archetype. I tend to write my blog posts about my atonement because I like talking about my growth. My gift is my writing and love for the world. I have many helpers along the way which are you guys.

I think that everyone goes on journeys. Everyone grows from mistakes and change. That's a big thing I have learned this year. I've grown mentally and emotionally this past year and I am excited (and nervous) for what the future holds.

So yeah, enjoy the rollercoaster. Yeah, you might hate it, but in the end, you will grow. 

Survey Answers

Hi! Here are my answers to the questions that I have asked all of you. If you still want to contribute, go to my post titled, "My survey"
What is your way of coping with others that bother you, are mean to you, etc?
I talk to them about it. Sometimes people are just stressed and need somebody to listen, or didn't even realize they hurt you.
How do you manage stress with school or work?
 Lists! I prioritize, add times, and set alarms for breaks. Sometimes it is effective, other times not.
What are some things that have shaped you to become the person you are today? Bullet, please.

• Toxic friendships
• ACYOA, church, and camp
• Soccer/being injured
• My surroundings/people I surround myself with
• This blog!
• 6th grade (and 8th grade) English teacher(s) 
• High School in general

What are some things that you need to work on?

 I need to work on allowing myself to speak up when something is bothering me and allowing myself to feel emotions. Like I always feel like I can't get upset over things because other people are also hurt. Also, I want to go outside more and be more mindful!

What motivates you?

 Hmm... my craving to succeed in life and its challenges. Also, my sisters and close friends and family who want me to succeed.
What is your star/zodiac sign? Do you believe in them?
I am a Virgo. I do believe in aspects of it and enjoy the fact that I am apart of a bigger community with similar characteristics. I don't believe that certain couples are "better" or "more compatible" than others because your birthday should not have anything to do with that.
What is your biggest fear?
Not being wanted or remembered.
What is your biggest accomplishment?
Hmm...I think my biggest accomplishment is being proud of who I am and loving myself.
What is a dream you have for the future?
I want to have a family and make people feel loved.
Who inspires you and why?
There is a lot :) My dad, my mom, my Auntie Lily, my friends, my sisters, my coaches, etc. All of you guys inspire me to share my feelings because you all seem to care.
What is something that has been hard for you to accept?
It has been hard for me to accept the fact that there are people in the world that don't want to change and want to bring me down. 

Self-Love and True Friends

This week was one of my best weeks during my freshman year so far. There were a lot of little moments that made me beam as bright as the warm sun that decided to come out this week. I will mention some below:

Being inactive for two months because of a strained ligament in my ankle has made me out of shape. For weeks now I have been so frustrated in myself that I can't run as fast as my club soccer friends or fit into spring clothes I have been aching to wear.  It used to make me so mad that I could push myself and make me run 2 miles on the bike path, but not see results. But then last weekend, as I was running my 2 miles, I realized that your brain and mindset have to change. Ignoring things that bother you, or thinking about them too much makes me feel worse. I thought "Ariana, you have to not only focus on the positive but not ignore the negative. Let it consume you for a couple hours, and then move on. " And ever since that run, I have been doing just that.

I normally go to school in a different sweatshirt and leggings combo every day. But this week it was warm enough to wear short-sleeved shirts, and even the new jean shorts I bought. I wore cute outfits and did my makeup. I made myself look like the queen I felt on the inside. It might've been a bit extra, but I did not care. It made me feel good. People complimented me, and I accepted them instead of rejecting them as I used to. I even got my eyebrows waxed again because it makes me feel less like a monster.

I know dressing up for school and such is not something I need to do to be accepted or anything, it is just simply what I wanted to do. And I haven't truly done something for me in a long time.

I was debating whether to add this, but I think it is a crucial point as to why I am happier. A couple of days ago, I reconnected with someone whom I haven't spoken to in 2 months. There were things I needed to get off my chest and things that I needed this person to know. And I am so glad that we did. We sorted a lot of unsaid things between us, and that overall has made me less stressed and happier that I know this person is in a better place since I last talked to them. I am not sure if said person reads these, but if they do, thank you.

There are quotes and sayings I come across from time to time. There is a specific one that has really stuck to me. It is, "You can't wish it to be true. You have to work it to be true." I feel like this quote has really stuck to me, especially in soccer this past week. I really don't want to sound like I am bragging, but one of my coaches who doesn't normally give out compliments said something to me this week that made me really happy. She told my team that I was the loudest and most aggressive on the field. She also asked me in front of my teammates, "Ariana are you the fastest on the team?" and I said, "Hell no!" and then she asked, "Are you the most aggressive?" and I replied, "yes coach." Even though others may not agree, it felt good to know I was the best at something. It made me feel so good about myself that my hard work does pay off, that I didn't really care about the negativity from some of my teammates. Well, that's kinda a lie- I did cry, but then I moved on. I was so happy about being good at something that I didn't want to focus on the negative stuff.

The last one I will mention is the one that not only made me happy but made others happy too. I texted some of my friends a message about being happy and thankful that they were apart of my lives and my journey. Some of them actually cried not even joking. Some were so happy that I was growing and working hard to accomplish my goals. I am literally getting teary-eyed just typing about how much I love them. But I really do want them to be the best they can be and grow into the people they want to see in the world.

*I really wanted to put this out, but do not worry I will put my answers to the survey up soon:)  If you did not take it, check my last post if you would like! Thank you to all of those who responded I really loved reading your responses!*

A Survey

This post is not intended to be inspirational or long or anything. Lately, I have been getting back into soccer due to a ligament strain and doing something that makes me happy again has made me- well happy.
I have been watching many videos of inspiring people who took a major challenge, or roadblock, and transformed it into something remarkable. They use the power of words to inspire the community around them. And to me, I find that amazing.

I have made a list of questions that would mean so much to me if you could fill out. I want to learn more about the community around me. Nobody will see these responses other than me. I might put my responses in a different post. Thank you!

https://forms.gle/XDH2Abkt431LQyC49

The Unseen Battles in our Community

I just finished reading a book called It Wasn't Me by Dana Alison Levy. In the book, there was a quote that has really made an impact on me; "Be kind- for there are others fighting unseen battles." This quote is a constant reminder to me that people are going through challenges on a day-to-day basis and may feel alone with nobody to turn to. I want to always be there and support my friends and family in these struggles, even though I know that I have to put myself first at times.

This past week, I lost someone special in my life. He didn't die or anything, but we were drifting apart and we lost our relationship with one another. However, I don't feel really upset about it. I have learned from other friendships that losing people in your life is normal and to not stress and cry over something twice. I've learned to let the small things go, yet tell people how I feel if something they've done bothers me. I know I have amazing friends by my side no matter what and that they will always treat me better than anyone else.

This past weekend, I went to a Lenten Retreat with my church youth group. The main topic we were discussing was Our Community As One. We talked about the different communities we were apart of and our responsibilities within them. We also got to know our youth group community better and explore the Divine Liturgy for the Armenian Church Service. In the Divine Liturgy, there are many different hymns and prayers that we recite that help us comprehend that the Armenian Church is a community of worship. Our sacraments are community gatherings where we see baptisms, marriages, and Holy Communion.

Something else that I have been thinking about since the retreat was when we had time to ask questions to the priests there. They told us that, like everyone else, they too get burned out sometimes. They have many sacraments they must attend to per week, and write a meaningful sermon for every Sunday. When someone is severely ill, they have to find words to help them. As a Christian, we look up to our priests for advice and words when we are down, but who helps them when they are burned out? Some turn to God, to their families and spouses, or even to other priests. Sometimes we are so focused on the hardships in our lives that we forget to enjoy the life around us. So for this new week, I suggest that we all enjoy the life around us and to be kind to all :)

Follow your dreams

Everyone always tells me to follow my dreams. But what even is a dream? Is it a journey? A craving of something more? Well, according to Cinderella, "A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep". Even though I live for Disney, I don't think this definition is very accurate. There isn't any action or hard work mentioned in Cinderella's connotation of a dream. So I looked it up. The exact definition is "a cherished aspiration, ambition, or ideal". So I guess Cinderella was a little bit right. Moral of the story: Don't doubt Disney.

This week was one of the worst weeks I have ever had. Nothing bad happened to me, but I was just so unlike myself and felt terrible about myself. I guess in the end, I was scared. This is something that is really hard for me to admit. But I was. I was scared.

I was scared about the Turkish flags on the Armenian schools in LA. I am writing a research paper on Armenian immigration, and it kills me to see that Armenians have been through so much hostility and hatred toward their culture and it continues to happen today. I was afraid that it would happen to my school. Even though my school is very safe, I was afraid that if it happened nobody would care. It turns out, there are people in my life who always seem to care about what I care about and would support me if anything like that ever happened to me. Sometimes I forget that they are there because I get too caught up in my head.

I was scared because I didn't have a plan for the future. It was overwhelming to me once I realized I don't have a favorite subject, or really a desire to have any specific job in the future. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, and I now realize that it is ok. I don't even need to figure it out for years! I just like being prepared, but I now have learned that I do not need to prepare for things that are not happening in the near future.

In the end, I was scared because I didn't have a dream. Yes, I have wishes, but I am very hesitant to persue them. Now I understand what people mean when they say follow your dreams. It means to make your wishes a reality and never let them go because you are a strong and beautiful person and can do anything. As Cinderella would say, "Have faith in your dreams and someday, your rainbow will come smiling through"

Thank You, Next 2018

2018 was a bit rough for me. Starting freshman year with way too much drama was not ideal, but I still managed to handle all of it. I have started to realize who my true friends really are and to avoid people who simply make me unhappy. I hang out with a different group of girls than I did in middle school. These girls make me laugh every day during lunch and care about me. I still have an old friend from middle school, and she continues to love and support me in life's challenges every day. We make each other happy and that's really all that matters. I am forever grateful for her.  There is a new song by Ariana Grande that just came out called, Thank U, Next. Not only is this song really catchy, but it also describes my 2018. There were plenty of unhappy moments last year, but we can move on.

Not only were there bad moments in 2018, but there were also plenty of great memories. I went to Universal Studios with my family. I also got to host my first Sports Weekend which was a blast! I had my class trip to Washington D.C. which was so cool because it felt like my entire grade was on vacation together! Camp was amazing as usual, and I loved being an oldest teen girl and hanging out with other Armenians. I made JV Soccer this year and got to play against some of my club soccer friends. There is also another person I got closer to last year who I didn't mention at the beginning. He is super sweet and always seems to put a smile on my face no matter how I'm feeling. We need more loving people like him in this world.

2019 I wanted to start the year off happy. I saw this thing on Pinterest (yes I am one of those girls) and was inspired to try it. Every day you put something that made you happy into a jar or box. Then at the end of the year, you go through them and see what a wonderful and happy year you had. This helps me a lot because I get to go to bed thinking about something happy. Please let me know if you end up doing this because I think that it's a cute idea to do!