the 2022 recap

 Being home after my first semester in college is a nice time for me to relax, reflect, and reconnect with family and friends. I have loved seeing everyone here, yet I am still excited to go back in a few weeks. 

2022 for me was all about new beginnings. In January, I committed to college. From then on, I was getting ready to attend and was very excited about things to come. I went to all of the admitted student events and orientation in June. I moved into my suite in late August and started living in a different state for the first time. I met new people, most of which are so fascinating to me and I like spending time with them. I played at my first college football, basketball, and volleyball games where I learned what media time-outs are and how to heckle the other teams. 

I also had new experiences during my senior year as well. In the church, I spoke in front of the congregation, twice. I taught Kindergarten in Sunday School which was fun and a little crazy. In High School, I played my first solos, first improv, and first gig through the jazz band. Those pushed me to be more confident in my playing, as well as practice more. 

But, as I've learned and written about, new things result in leaving some things behind. These new experiences, as enticing as they are, pushed me to take risks and try things out of my comfort zone. I am a very time-organized person and doing impromptu things used to really terrify me. Now, I am more comfortable taking little breaks to go on walks with friends or go grab food at the dining hall. I have more confidence in myself to know that I will get everything done and that it is okay to take breaks and socialize. Every decision I have made this year has had both a risk and a payout. I have chosen to take these risks to "see the light at the end of the tunnel." I didn't have the best year, but I focused a lot on myself and was able to take the events life threw at me and still be true to myself. 

the strength i find in my writing

 This past week has been tough. I feel weak and I am trying to regain my strength. Writing makes me feel more powerful, so I will be typing out this blog post to hopefully feel stronger by the end of it. I was hit with a lot of important events within a few days, and my mind hasn't caught up. It's hard because I want to keep going and be more attentive in my life and in the present, but I can't wrap my head around everything that's happened. 

I have so much fight in me. I get up every day. I make good choices. I try to be happy every single day, but it's soooo draining because I'm not ok. And I know that this is ok. You can't be happy every day. I got this feelings app that my best friend told me about where you do checkins throughout the day and it sends a notification to your friends on how you're feeling. It's been nice to be able to checkin on my friends, as well as getting texts to make sure I am ok. 

Things are challenging. I never expected my college experience to end up how it has so far. It's bittersweet. I never expected to have my roommate move out after one month of being on campus or joining the rugby team, but I'm glad they happened. It taught me so much socially along with how much I learn academically in classes. I've learned so much so far, so I guess I did expect some part of my college experience to be true. I've met so many new types of people here and it's fascinating to me to hear people's stories and how similar and different our lives were. 

The amount of independence is something I expected and was actually something I was excited for my life to be on my schedule only. It's been great having all of this time and living based on my plans, but a small part of me kinda hates it. I don't ask for help as often as I should. Sometimes it's hard for me to do things like vacuum or something without being asked to. And now that I live alone in my room, besides my suitemates, I'm not really asked to do anything. Because I'm so burnt out, I don't always get things done that I need to. I'm procrastinating as we speak. 

Now this is not an invitation to text me to do things because I will block your number. Once I find my strength again, I will be fine. Going home this weekend was really helpful, and I will be home again soon for Thanksgiving which is giving me motivation to keep going. I just gotta keep fighting. 

I'm really proud of myself that I am able to put my feelings to words. That I am able to share these feelings publicly, even the ugly ones. It is not easy to go through the shit that has been thrown at me this past week, but I am. Even if I'm feeling low and unfocused (currently labeled my emotion in the low energy unpleasant category as disengaged), I am still getting through my days. Now that I am able to make my feelings clearer and "unfog" my brain, I feel a lot better about myself and confident that I can get what I need to done even if it's not in the ideal timeline. I believe writing is my superpower because I feel stronger than I did before writing this blog post. 

a college compliment sandwich

 Even though college keeps me very busy, I had a chance to reflect these past couple days of how my life was actually going here. I realized how much I've changed from being in high school, as well as my friends, and it's a weird feeling. 

I am loving college. I really want to start this with the positives. I have friends that I hang out with all of the time. I am getting used to living by myself which I kind of love even though I was scared at first. Academics are manageable, but I do all my work and haven't missed an assignment or a class yet. I'm not too far from home so I've been able to see my family. I'm staying active by playing rugby and going on walks at night with my friends. 

I didn't expect to have all the time in the world, yet no time at all. I'm a planner. I plan everything. I'm so organized to the point where I plan my full days to the hour to make sure I get what I need to get done for the day. I'm pretty on top of things for the most part. It's just all the spontaneous stuff that happens where I go wrong. I am so much better at being ok with changes to my schedule now that I'm used to it here. I just love hanging out with people. Sometimes I just wanna talk to someone to get the things in my brain out so I can focus, so I started almost planning for spontaneous things. 

My sleep schedule is wack because of this. I go to bed late and wake up early. I'm so sleep deprived, but since I'm an extrovert I get my energy off of talking to people and being around people. So that's what I do and it works for me. 

There's also so much to do at Bryant that I wish I could do it all. My schedule fills up so fast with these activities they host almost every day, and I just love being a part of this community. Like today I have rugby practice, but I can also decorate pumpkins if it ends early. I don't know if this is a Bryant specific thing, but I love that college is like this. And yeah there are parties too and those kind of stuff, but it isn't necessary to have fun here which I love. 

I've utilized a lot of the resources here already which is awesome. I'm giving tours in the spring as a student ambassador, so I'm glad I can get a lot of these experiences under my belt so I can enhance my tours. 

I still don't feel like I'm at college. It felt like such a bigger part of my life when I was waiting for it, but now that it is happening it just feels normal. I have a routine, and I have new things that happen everyday. I feel so grown up, but at the same time I don't feel like I'm old enough. I remember hearing people say "oh my sibling is in college" and right now I don't feel like that sibling. It's a weird feeling. 

I'm gonna make this a compliment sandwich, or end on a make as my family says. I am really proud of myself and how far I've came. I can feel myself growing into someone, and it's a good feeling. I've learned so much academically, emotionally, and socially just by being here for almost 2 months. It feels normal almost now that I got my shit down. I make decisions for myself and it feels good to take care of myself. I'm learning how to work in groups and also excel as an individual. I found people that have the same views of life as me and I'm excited to meet more. We all knew college was gonna be a good experience for me, but now I actually feel that way. 

leaving summer, next stop: college

 wow. I've got a lot to unpack which is a funny word choice since my whole room is packed up for college. I move in in a few days and I am so excited! I learned so much about myself this summer, and I thought I'd share since my summer is ending. 

I was a camp counselor this year for teen girls at the camp I've gone to since I was nine. It was such a change from being a camper, and it honestly gave me a sense of how to take care of myself in a place where I am an adult. I was so drained by the end of it and I feel like I didn't get to enjoy camp the way I normally did. However, I enjoyed my camp from a different perspective and it felt oddly relaxing. I didn't realize how much of a good impact I made on my campers, all of the campers honestly, and how much they loved me. Some of them still reach out to me with life advice questions, telling me they miss me, or reciting inside jokes or songs I used to blast down the hallways, and I don't think I've felt that kind of love in a while. If they read this, I hope they know how much I cared about them, even the ones that gave me a hard time! I will miss that place like home and whether I go back or not, the Ararat Center has my heart. 

I'm still working on believing in myself. I have confidence and I know I can succeed with my skills, but it's hard to think that I'm worthy of all my life has given me sometimes. I realized that so many people care about me and are excited to see me succeed, and I wish I could see myself the way they do. I've seen a difference though, especially since high school. I've forgiven myself and I still have a long way to go. 

A big thing about going to college is letting go of a lot of things to create space for new things. And trust me, there are a LOT of new things. It's a little overwhelming, but I think I'll be able to adjust since I'm going early. Letting go was a lot harder than I anticipated. I didn't cry at graduation or anything because, for the most part, nothing is fully leaving my life. It's just strange to see things I love not be mine anymore. Like walking past the band room and realizing that it's not my school anymore. I mean, don't get me wrong I'm so excited to leave high school and go to college, but I just wasn't expecting to leave so much of what I've built at home behind. All of my extracurriculars are going to have new leadership, new people, and new ideas, and I don't know how I feel about that. 

I have to leave the only home I remember. And I know it's not permanent so that's why it doesn't bother me too much, but it's a big change. I can't just sit on the couch and take a nap, or practice the saxophone whenever I want. I'm really gonna miss doing errands and listening to music when I drive. 

 There are so many positives to look forward to though! A new environment to grow in. Meeting people from around the world. Living with my amazing roommate:) Creating my own schedule that's dependent on me is the thing I'm most excited about. Being an adult (soon!) which is still crazy to me because I don't feel old enough to be an adult. Learn in classes that actually benefit me and be with business students and faculty that have similar career paths to what I want. I could keep going, but this post is long enough. 

People keep asking me how I feel about going to college, and in short, I'm really excited. Of course, I have my nerves and concerns, but there are so many positives as well and they outweigh my fears. I've put so much effort into my college search process and college prep that I feel comfortable and prepared to start this new chapter in my life:)

oh yeah I graduated high school

so I'm done. I graduated high school in early June, and then I have endured various trips every week since then from CT and RI to Mexico. Now I'm finally able to have a few days to reflect on graduating before leaving for my next adventure in NY.  I haven't really been sad about it. High School was an experience for me (as you've probably realized from this blog) and it was what it needed to be. I learned how to let things go, be my authentic self even if that person does change from time to time, and make lasting friendships even if there weren't many. And those were just some of the social things. I feel like my time at Bedford High School has prepared me for the rigor of college classes and I'm ready and excited to take on those courses that relate to the field I want to pursue. 

My friend group and I were aching for the moment we never had to see some of our old teachers and classmates again. We're excited about the fresh start and environment, and leaving BHS was our final step to reach that at our new universities. But recently, I realized there are going to be things I miss. 

The routine of seeing the same people every day is one. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to meet more people in person at college, but the school is a lot bigger and I might not have the consistency I'm used to. I'm going to miss my Day 1/4 Lunch with all of my friends that was spent in the band room dancing to our favorite tunes, even if Mr. Felker was there. And of course, I'm gonna miss him, my favorite band director. I've had him as a teacher since 7th grade and it's so different to not have him be my go-to teacher anymore. 

I know I've been ready for college since Day 1, but now I'm seeing my classmates grow up and get ready for their college experiences. The people I've literally gone to school with since as early as Kindergarten are no longer going to be in my classes and extracurriculars (except one). It's really strange to me. I knew I'd leave pieces of my high school self behind, but I didn't realize other people would be doing it too. 

I am excited about college. If you bring it up to me I get all happy and jumpy and will go on and on as to why I picked Bryant University. I love my roommate and the people I've met so far. I love the community and now that it will feel like home for me. I know that the fall will bring forth some challenges and change, which does scare me, but because I put so much effort into finding my perfect school it doesn't feel as daunting. The things I'll miss in high school will be replaced with better things that continue to bring me joy. I already feel like I made the best decision for my future, even at a young age, and that alone brings me sheer happiness and outweighs my fears. 

chillin' through the rest of the school year

 Taking care of myself is something I struggle with. I go through waves where I will be successful in working out, eating proper meals at proper times, flossing my teeth, and wearing cute outfits multiple days in a row. Then something stressful happens and I crash. The lifestyle when I am taking care of myself is called "the IT girl." It basically means that you're perfect and you make time for all of these things and you have your life together. It's incredibly unrealistic, but I still strive for it. 

Anyways, I haven't been doing well with taking care of myself lately. This is a hard thing for me to admit. I prefer to prioritize other things and people so I don't have to take care of myself. I wring myself out trying to make sure I get things done for other people that I just don't have enough energy to care about making sure I'm ok. Then I get burnt out, get sad until I feel unproductive, and repeat the process. 

If I would ask for help it would solve some of the stress I put on myself. It's scary. You would think that putting your thoughts and vulnerabilities on a freaking website would be scary, but talking to a friend or family member is scarier to me. I don't like people knowing I'm struggling, and I've been procrastinating writing this. I hope this will inspire others, and myself, to be vulnerable and tell people you're struggling. 

I have so many good things going on in my life now. I have met so many college friends and I haven't even been to orientation! I am going to so many places this summer and seeing all sorts of people. And, I am looking forward to graduation and all of the senior events coming up! There have been so many good memories this year and sometimes I forget about them. Take some time and think about all the great things in your life right now. Sometimes we get so caught up in bad emotions and stress that we forget to sit back and relax. 

your time in high school will expire soon

 Wow. My life has been so busy, but it’s really nice to take time out of my day to write a blog post. I am really proud of myself for doing this. Despite everything I’ve been doing, giving myself time to read, play the saxophone, or even write one of these actually makes me more productive. I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t get everything done with an unrealistic schedule, and it has changed my outlook on life. I have to thank my last year English teacher, Mr. Niven, for making me spend time on myself as a school project. Without that, I wouldn’t even fathom having a day of rest on the weekend. 

It’s still crazy to me that I’m going to college next year. I’m already meeting new people from my college, and I’m excited to be in a new environment where everyone wants to be at the school. There’s parts of me I’m scared to shred and leave behind, but I know it will shape me to be the girl boss I wanna be. 

Sometimes I don’t realize how much I’ve grown up. I look at old pictures of me from freshman year, and even in elementary school and my flower girl days and it’s so weird to me that I’m not that little girl anymore. I don’t feel like a senior in high school, going into college in the fall. I remember looking up to those people, like my camp counselors and high school seniors, and now that’s me? Insane. 

I finally understand when people say “don’t rush to grow up.” As much as I am excited to be in college and run on my own schedule, I realize that I want to enjoy my time being myself with little responsibilities. Especially since the mask mandate at school is being lifted. All my prayers for a normal senior year have been answered. Well, as normal as it can be.