Hi. It's been a while. A lot has been going on and I wanted to share it with people. Honestly, I feel kinda weird typing this right now because I almost feel like I can't. I am a new person than I was before. And I know that it's okay and encouraged that I grow and change as a person. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that I am a changing person and can flow with the times, it just feels different than when I used to write these.
A big issue that I am having from being a 15-year old teenager is the fact that I care way too much about what people think of me and how I am perceived by everyone. I love myself, but I am still afraid of other people not liking me. I tend to put up a fake persona sometimes because I want people to like me. My real friends know and like both "sides" of me and honestly, I think a lot of them do the same thing. In my heart, however, I always know the real me.
I mean everyone wants to belong, right? Everyone wants to "fit in" and be wanted and loved. I certainly do. In fact, being forgotten and unwanted is my biggest fear. I know I'll always have God by my side, but I still get so scared that one day everyone is going to turn on me and hurt me and that I'll die alone.
I am afraid of being on the list of dead people during the hokehankist (a part in the Armenian Church Divine Liturgy that commemorates the deceased people in the church from that week) and nobody knowing who I am. Just another person on the list and everyone just waiting for the church service to end. And then everyone will file out and go to fellowship hour and not even realize that my name was said and even who I am.
And yes, I am aware that I of all people should not be worried about dying but I still do. I worry about everything. I call it spiraling. Spiraling is when I keep stressing all at once and I just can't stop overthinking. This week, I did a lot of spiraling. I am okay now. This week was just a rough one, but I got through it. It's a new start. It's a new week.
I also want to ask that for Thanksgiving, be thankful for everyone and everything around you. We live too much in the future and don't focus on what we have right now. So please, focus on how amazing your life is because there is good in everything:)
