Something I do when I write is that I save the intro for last. I believe that you can't fully introduce something if it doesn't exist yet. I think about that in terms of life, too. Nobody truly knows who they are yet. If we did, our lives would be boring and I'm already bored enough. As much as we physically exist, our personalities, likes, dislikes, and such are always changing. I live to learn about that. I love people and seeing how people change, myself included. I know that for me, my emotions toward things I used to enjoy have changed, and that was a big turning point for me this semester. However, there is almost always good in the change we see, and I know how much I've strengthened and learned about myself this past semester. So, I wanted to bring forth this change by being vulnerable and talking about some things that I have been noticing in myself recently.
One thing that I have been focusing on in my self-growth journey is conquering fears. More often than not, I find myself fearful and as a result, choose to hide rather than face these experiences and learn. Especially during this first year of college, I was scared of so many things that I feel like I missed out on some great opportunities. I branched onto the first people I met, skipped rugby because I felt like I wasn't good at the sport, and was scared to go and talk to people in all sorts of settings. When the second semester came rolling around, I got more involved in rugby and talked to my teammates outside of practices and games. We got so much closer and we still constantly chat and I am also rooming with one of them next year. When I got closer to my suitemates and started branching out to new people, I found relationships that benefitted both of us and ended with some pretty positive memories. The first semester was tough, but ending my freshman year on a make made it worth it.
I still have fears about life. There are so many things I am scared to do and so many things I don't know about, but that's normal. I don't want to live my life in fear anymore. Past experiences don't define me and I want to be able to experience things and take the risk even if they might be scary. Now that it's summer and my tan is starting to come back, I'm starting to feel myself again. I'm so excited for the opportunities ahead, even if I'm not the most confident.
Another thing I've learned during this semester is that I doubt my creditability. I know I'm a good writer (I'm working as a writing center tutor next year!) and I know I can execute things, but I constantly feel like my work isn't good enough. I have a few leadership positions next year and I want to make sure I am putting in good work for them, but at the same time there's so much I don't know and I want to be efficient in my work. Idk I'm probably just overthinking and bitching, but I want to do great things in the business world in the future, and I want the people I'm doing work for to believe in me I guess. This will probably come with time and experience, but it is still something I'm consciously thinking about.
I also realized that I care too quickly and too much about people. This characteristic has had positive and negative consequences on me this past year. I love people. That's why I picked my major/minor combo. Learning how people think and what draws attention to people excites me. Sometimes, I go too far and start sacrificing my own needs for people. I'm definitely improving and have set boundaries, but I do worry sometimes that I'm caring too much and value one-sided friendships too much. I'm very proud of myself for the growth I've had in this area and I'm starting to feel stronger in my day-to-day life. This semester was a big healing journey for me, but I learned so much socially as well as academically that I am so excited to go back.
Overall, my mental health is getting better now that I have a strong support system and am getting back into the swing of things I started fearing. I know healing isn't linear, but with time and my favorite season, I have been significantly improving. I am also aware of the aspects of my life that aren't so positive, but I take charge anyways and stay strong despite the haters wanting to get to me. Everyone has bad days and I am not letting those days dictate my life. In the book I'm reading, the female protagonist journals every day and writes down three things she is thankful for. I stopped doing my happy slips, but I think I will start doing that as my nightly reflection to 'end on a make' as my dad says. In this world, we should fight with love, and not fear because "there is no fear in love" (1 John 4:18).
