the epilogue

 This year I stopped writing. I felt like it wasn't worth it since Auntie Lily died. She was the reason I continued to write. I emailed her from a young age and updated her on things I was doing in school and articles I wrote for my elementary school newspaper. From there, it became this blog and school assignments I did well on. Once high school hit, I've been writing about the lessons I've learned and the growth I've done. This continued through my adjustment to college, but it's been a year since I've thought about this blog. I'm not even sure if she read these in the last few years of her life, but Auntie Lily has always been an inspiration for me to keep writing. Since her passing and speaking at her funeral, it felt like the conclusion to my writing. I lost my voice, and I couldn't get myself to write. 

Recently, I got a tattoo of two lilies to have a constant reminder of her with me. I've started to get my groove back in writing now that I feel her alongside me through everything I do. Now, I begin to write the epilogue. 

Something that I've learned through my junior year in college is the strength needed to lead. I am a leader in all the groups I am a part of on campus, and it was strange at first to be the one who was supposed to answer their questions. I have found so much value in checking in on my peers and gaining insights into their lives and how my groups can help them. Especially the freshmen, who are still adjusting to college life. The people I used to look up to graduated last year, and now I feel like I'm paying it forward by being someone worthy to look up to. I've learned it takes a lot of emotional energy to be able to do such, and balancing that took time for me. At the end of the day, I care so deeply about the people around me that sometimes I forget to take care of myself, but I am working on that:) Through my faith in the Lord and my teams around me, I have been able to start putting my needs first without damaging the quality of my work. I ask for help with no guilt, and do what I can to make my members enjoy their commitments as much as I do. These qualities have shaped me to be a better leader, and I can't wait to continue to learn and grow the more I lead. 

Every day, I heal and learn more and more. Being an open learner and accepting small mistakes and little wins has allowed me to reflect. I feel like a good human, and it feels good. I hold on to these feelings of joy and acceptance as long as I can because the world needs more positivity in it. I'm really grateful that I can express my feelings, happy or sad, and the strength in that. I hope that writing will continue to be an avenue where I can do so and that I will be able to keep writing my epilogue. 

"not the kind of girl who's lost and looking for direction"

 A lot of people have been telling me to not let other people or things take my joy away from me. It's been sticking with me lately, especially considering all the different types of people in my life have emphasized this. This has been quite a struggle for me. I have tried writing this blog post about it for a while and that is not usual for me. 

I have recently learned how careful I am with my joy. I try to keep the things I really love to myself and I don't talk about them a lot because I fear other people's opinions will taint my joy. Sometimes I feel like people ruin the things I love, and I've come to learn that that isn't fair to me and to not let others ruin things I love. Especially when it comes to my self-love, I feel like sometimes people just want to break me down. 

So I'm trying. I focus on doing things that make me happy and try to let go of the things that make me sad. The second part has been the hardest, and I don't know why. The main thing keeping me going is that every day I meet someone new. I gain a better connection with someone every day. I might lose someone once in a while, but there are so many people out there. I'll be okay. 

I feel the negative things pull me back. I'm scared to put myself out there and take risks sometimes. I know I'm not the only one. It's really draining to have to put yourself out there, but my urge to get to know people keeps me going. By putting myself out there, more people say hi to me on campus and I get food and study with a bunch of different people. 

title: Where Do We Go From Here by Alicia Keys

leaving summer, next stop: college

 wow. I've got a lot to unpack which is a funny word choice since my whole room is packed up for college. I move in in a few days and I am so excited! I learned so much about myself this summer, and I thought I'd share since my summer is ending. 

I was a camp counselor this year for teen girls at the camp I've gone to since I was nine. It was such a change from being a camper, and it honestly gave me a sense of how to take care of myself in a place where I am an adult. I was so drained by the end of it and I feel like I didn't get to enjoy camp the way I normally did. However, I enjoyed my camp from a different perspective and it felt oddly relaxing. I didn't realize how much of a good impact I made on my campers, all of the campers honestly, and how much they loved me. Some of them still reach out to me with life advice questions, telling me they miss me, or reciting inside jokes or songs I used to blast down the hallways, and I don't think I've felt that kind of love in a while. If they read this, I hope they know how much I cared about them, even the ones that gave me a hard time! I will miss that place like home and whether I go back or not, the Ararat Center has my heart. 

I'm still working on believing in myself. I have confidence and I know I can succeed with my skills, but it's hard to think that I'm worthy of all my life has given me sometimes. I realized that so many people care about me and are excited to see me succeed, and I wish I could see myself the way they do. I've seen a difference though, especially since high school. I've forgiven myself and I still have a long way to go. 

A big thing about going to college is letting go of a lot of things to create space for new things. And trust me, there are a LOT of new things. It's a little overwhelming, but I think I'll be able to adjust since I'm going early. Letting go was a lot harder than I anticipated. I didn't cry at graduation or anything because, for the most part, nothing is fully leaving my life. It's just strange to see things I love not be mine anymore. Like walking past the band room and realizing that it's not my school anymore. I mean, don't get me wrong I'm so excited to leave high school and go to college, but I just wasn't expecting to leave so much of what I've built at home behind. All of my extracurriculars are going to have new leadership, new people, and new ideas, and I don't know how I feel about that. 

I have to leave the only home I remember. And I know it's not permanent so that's why it doesn't bother me too much, but it's a big change. I can't just sit on the couch and take a nap, or practice the saxophone whenever I want. I'm really gonna miss doing errands and listening to music when I drive. 

 There are so many positives to look forward to though! A new environment to grow in. Meeting people from around the world. Living with my amazing roommate:) Creating my own schedule that's dependent on me is the thing I'm most excited about. Being an adult (soon!) which is still crazy to me because I don't feel old enough to be an adult. Learn in classes that actually benefit me and be with business students and faculty that have similar career paths to what I want. I could keep going, but this post is long enough. 

People keep asking me how I feel about going to college, and in short, I'm really excited. Of course, I have my nerves and concerns, but there are so many positives as well and they outweigh my fears. I've put so much effort into my college search process and college prep that I feel comfortable and prepared to start this new chapter in my life:)

oh yeah I graduated high school

so I'm done. I graduated high school in early June, and then I have endured various trips every week since then from CT and RI to Mexico. Now I'm finally able to have a few days to reflect on graduating before leaving for my next adventure in NY.  I haven't really been sad about it. High School was an experience for me (as you've probably realized from this blog) and it was what it needed to be. I learned how to let things go, be my authentic self even if that person does change from time to time, and make lasting friendships even if there weren't many. And those were just some of the social things. I feel like my time at Bedford High School has prepared me for the rigor of college classes and I'm ready and excited to take on those courses that relate to the field I want to pursue. 

My friend group and I were aching for the moment we never had to see some of our old teachers and classmates again. We're excited about the fresh start and environment, and leaving BHS was our final step to reach that at our new universities. But recently, I realized there are going to be things I miss. 

The routine of seeing the same people every day is one. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to meet more people in person at college, but the school is a lot bigger and I might not have the consistency I'm used to. I'm going to miss my Day 1/4 Lunch with all of my friends that was spent in the band room dancing to our favorite tunes, even if Mr. Felker was there. And of course, I'm gonna miss him, my favorite band director. I've had him as a teacher since 7th grade and it's so different to not have him be my go-to teacher anymore. 

I know I've been ready for college since Day 1, but now I'm seeing my classmates grow up and get ready for their college experiences. The people I've literally gone to school with since as early as Kindergarten are no longer going to be in my classes and extracurriculars (except one). It's really strange to me. I knew I'd leave pieces of my high school self behind, but I didn't realize other people would be doing it too. 

I am excited about college. If you bring it up to me I get all happy and jumpy and will go on and on as to why I picked Bryant University. I love my roommate and the people I've met so far. I love the community and now that it will feel like home for me. I know that the fall will bring forth some challenges and change, which does scare me, but because I put so much effort into finding my perfect school it doesn't feel as daunting. The things I'll miss in high school will be replaced with better things that continue to bring me joy. I already feel like I made the best decision for my future, even at a young age, and that alone brings me sheer happiness and outweighs my fears. 

chillin' through the rest of the school year

 Taking care of myself is something I struggle with. I go through waves where I will be successful in working out, eating proper meals at proper times, flossing my teeth, and wearing cute outfits multiple days in a row. Then something stressful happens and I crash. The lifestyle when I am taking care of myself is called "the IT girl." It basically means that you're perfect and you make time for all of these things and you have your life together. It's incredibly unrealistic, but I still strive for it. 

Anyways, I haven't been doing well with taking care of myself lately. This is a hard thing for me to admit. I prefer to prioritize other things and people so I don't have to take care of myself. I wring myself out trying to make sure I get things done for other people that I just don't have enough energy to care about making sure I'm ok. Then I get burnt out, get sad until I feel unproductive, and repeat the process. 

If I would ask for help it would solve some of the stress I put on myself. It's scary. You would think that putting your thoughts and vulnerabilities on a freaking website would be scary, but talking to a friend or family member is scarier to me. I don't like people knowing I'm struggling, and I've been procrastinating writing this. I hope this will inspire others, and myself, to be vulnerable and tell people you're struggling. 

I have so many good things going on in my life now. I have met so many college friends and I haven't even been to orientation! I am going to so many places this summer and seeing all sorts of people. And, I am looking forward to graduation and all of the senior events coming up! There have been so many good memories this year and sometimes I forget about them. Take some time and think about all the great things in your life right now. Sometimes we get so caught up in bad emotions and stress that we forget to sit back and relax. 

Find your WHY

Hi guys, I skipped last month's blog post because of the coronavirus. I just didn't really feel any inspiration or motivation to write anything. This pandemic has been hard on each of us in its own way. Cancellations of an event that was exciting, cancellations of school, being laid off of a job, and watching a loved one get sick are a few of the challenges these past months have given us. But we've made it this far! We are conquering life's challenges. So keep it up, you're doing great:)

"Why?". That's been the most important word for me right now. Why is this happening to me? Why can't we just see our friends for an hour? Why is online school stressful at times? Why did God let these people die? The list goes on. The word Why wants answers. It wants a sense of comfort in times like this. But sometimes, there isn't an answer to the Why and that's okay. If we trust in God, we won't need the answers.

There is another aspect of "Why?" that has left me thinking and questioning everything. Why do I believe certain things? People ask me why when I share my opinion sometimes, and honestly, I don't know. What should I believe?

Our environment transforms us. That's the one thing I learned from reading The Lord of the Flies by William Golding. The boys on that island changed from British schoolboys that depended on their parents to savages that killed pigs and one another and eventually set the island on fire. People that live in the city are different from people that live in the suburbs or countryside. Even states: People who live in Massachusetts live different lives than someone in New Jersey or even Florida. Our speech, clothing, attitudes, and food are some of those things that make us different. I'm still shocked that people in other states don't have Jordan's Furniture:).

On a smaller scale, our home environments are different too. We were all raised a certain way, and that's how we've gained most of our beliefs. We just accepted the things that our parents, teachers, and other adults told us. But as we get older, those beliefs just stick with us and just stay as they are: unquestioned. So now that you're older, question them. Find your own beliefs and find your "why?" It's not like we have anything better to do:).

Your Ability to Choose

In class a while ago, my English teacher has us watch this video before we put in what course we want to take next year. The video was about finding your purpose in life. Not gonna lie, it scared me. I've never been one of those people that have their life planned out, and it's always bothered me. I think it's because I am scared of letting people down, especially myself. 

I am afraid of the future. It's so unpredictable and overwhelming. But, I guess, that's a good thing. It leads to almost endless opportunities that I can choose from. I have the ability to choose my future. And that's been another hard thing to accept. You only live once. And I know that quote is kind of cliche, but it is true. You have one life on this Earth, so make your own choices and make the most of it. Write thank you cards to people who have impacted your life. Help a stranger. Give back to something or someone. Choose the path that makes you the happiest.

If for some reason your path lost the happiness that it gave you, follow a different one. That was another lesson I got from the video. Things change in life. If you want something better, go for it. Do not suffer for others. I learned that lesson the hard way. 

I learned that everything starts with you. How you handle things, your mindset, your ability to choose to name a few. You choose your life, so choose the one you want. 

Whatever I choose, I will be writing. 

Healing and Finding My Fire

Lately, I have been thinking about my life and growth. I mean, I always do, but this time more positive. The main reason I started this blog (not the middle school phase but the high school update) was to share my learning experiences and spread kindness and positivity. I lost sight of that, but I am excited to get back on track and share some things I have planned for myself.

As I mentioned in my last post (which side note, I normally write a blog post once a month, and my New Years Resolution is to write more, so go me!) I hid a lot of the stress I had from my friends. I knew it was bad, but I didn't want to be a burden or problematic. And trust me, I know that sounds stupid, but my friend group have been besties since elementary school, and I'm still kinda new to the group. But I talk to them more now, and they are so kind and fun to be around. And now it feels more like a two-way friendship which is a great feeling:)

At the end of last year, I really didn't think I'd ever find people that made me as happy and carefree as he did. I always would tell myself "Heart of Stone" over and over again because I was never going to let anyone into my heart again. But building those walls never helped me. I was just as stressed as I used to be. And I now know that I am a much happier person when I let down my walls. Writing helps me let down those walls, too, which is another reason I will keep writing blog posts. I also still do my happy things of the day:).

I'm also starting to find My Fire again. To me, My Fire is the fuel of my self-confidence and self-love that comes from my heart. I wrote a vignette about it last year that, if people want to read, I can put up.  Ever since finding it, I know it is always there. Sometimes, I just lose sight of it. If you guys have something like My Fire in your lives, please share! I'd love to hear about it:).

Next weekend, I am going to see some of my favorite people in the world, and I am so excited to see them in person. It's been a while. And after that, I'll have my midterm exams. My grades aren't as good as they used to be when I was younger, but my classes are getting more challenging so we will see how things go. Keep being yourself! :)

Sophomore Year- The Beginning

Hi World. Wow, a lot has gone on and there is too much to explain. But my sophomore year has started off and I am enjoying it. Yeah, there is work, but I don't really mind that. I always tend to care about the social aspect of school. 

I made JV B for soccer. The worst team. So that wrecked a lot of my confidence going into sophomore year. And that sucks. It was probably the worst thing I went through in my life. And I'm still upset about it. But I am trying to make the best out of the situation, even though it tears me like paper when I see all my friends on JV A wearing their jerseys. 

I really enjoy starting high school with a solid group of friends. They actually care about me and give me energy and laughter for days:). I'm getting closer to each one individually too which makes me feel less like I'm out of the circle. I really love them<3. And I bet only a few will even read this, but if they do hey cutie:)

Since soccer doesn't bring me the joy that it used to, I've been really trying to be closer with my marching band friends and the group. I hated it last year because I felt so unwanted. But this year, everyone is so much fun to hang out with. 

So, sophomore year has been good so far. But recently I've been torn of who I want to be. I feel like I pretend to be the person I want to be on the outside, but on the inside, I am totally different. Only my really close friends notice, but its been bothering me. Changing your identity is a hard thing to, I learned because you can change yourself but not how people perceive you. I have yet to come to terms with that though. Because people might think that I am different than I actually am and I want them to know I am not like that. And I also know that changing people's opinions of me is not my job and that I should just let God and themselves come to whatever conclusion they want. Now I am just gonna be the me that I want to be. A mix of the two. 

Self-Love and True Friends

This week was one of my best weeks during my freshman year so far. There were a lot of little moments that made me beam as bright as the warm sun that decided to come out this week. I will mention some below:

Being inactive for two months because of a strained ligament in my ankle has made me out of shape. For weeks now I have been so frustrated in myself that I can't run as fast as my club soccer friends or fit into spring clothes I have been aching to wear.  It used to make me so mad that I could push myself and make me run 2 miles on the bike path, but not see results. But then last weekend, as I was running my 2 miles, I realized that your brain and mindset have to change. Ignoring things that bother you, or thinking about them too much makes me feel worse. I thought "Ariana, you have to not only focus on the positive but not ignore the negative. Let it consume you for a couple hours, and then move on. " And ever since that run, I have been doing just that.

I normally go to school in a different sweatshirt and leggings combo every day. But this week it was warm enough to wear short-sleeved shirts, and even the new jean shorts I bought. I wore cute outfits and did my makeup. I made myself look like the queen I felt on the inside. It might've been a bit extra, but I did not care. It made me feel good. People complimented me, and I accepted them instead of rejecting them as I used to. I even got my eyebrows waxed again because it makes me feel less like a monster.

I know dressing up for school and such is not something I need to do to be accepted or anything, it is just simply what I wanted to do. And I haven't truly done something for me in a long time.

I was debating whether to add this, but I think it is a crucial point as to why I am happier. A couple of days ago, I reconnected with someone whom I haven't spoken to in 2 months. There were things I needed to get off my chest and things that I needed this person to know. And I am so glad that we did. We sorted a lot of unsaid things between us, and that overall has made me less stressed and happier that I know this person is in a better place since I last talked to them. I am not sure if said person reads these, but if they do, thank you.

There are quotes and sayings I come across from time to time. There is a specific one that has really stuck to me. It is, "You can't wish it to be true. You have to work it to be true." I feel like this quote has really stuck to me, especially in soccer this past week. I really don't want to sound like I am bragging, but one of my coaches who doesn't normally give out compliments said something to me this week that made me really happy. She told my team that I was the loudest and most aggressive on the field. She also asked me in front of my teammates, "Ariana are you the fastest on the team?" and I said, "Hell no!" and then she asked, "Are you the most aggressive?" and I replied, "yes coach." Even though others may not agree, it felt good to know I was the best at something. It made me feel so good about myself that my hard work does pay off, that I didn't really care about the negativity from some of my teammates. Well, that's kinda a lie- I did cry, but then I moved on. I was so happy about being good at something that I didn't want to focus on the negative stuff.

The last one I will mention is the one that not only made me happy but made others happy too. I texted some of my friends a message about being happy and thankful that they were apart of my lives and my journey. Some of them actually cried not even joking. Some were so happy that I was growing and working hard to accomplish my goals. I am literally getting teary-eyed just typing about how much I love them. But I really do want them to be the best they can be and grow into the people they want to see in the world.

*I really wanted to put this out, but do not worry I will put my answers to the survey up soon:)  If you did not take it, check my last post if you would like! Thank you to all of those who responded I really loved reading your responses!*

The Unseen Battles in our Community

I just finished reading a book called It Wasn't Me by Dana Alison Levy. In the book, there was a quote that has really made an impact on me; "Be kind- for there are others fighting unseen battles." This quote is a constant reminder to me that people are going through challenges on a day-to-day basis and may feel alone with nobody to turn to. I want to always be there and support my friends and family in these struggles, even though I know that I have to put myself first at times.

This past week, I lost someone special in my life. He didn't die or anything, but we were drifting apart and we lost our relationship with one another. However, I don't feel really upset about it. I have learned from other friendships that losing people in your life is normal and to not stress and cry over something twice. I've learned to let the small things go, yet tell people how I feel if something they've done bothers me. I know I have amazing friends by my side no matter what and that they will always treat me better than anyone else.

This past weekend, I went to a Lenten Retreat with my church youth group. The main topic we were discussing was Our Community As One. We talked about the different communities we were apart of and our responsibilities within them. We also got to know our youth group community better and explore the Divine Liturgy for the Armenian Church Service. In the Divine Liturgy, there are many different hymns and prayers that we recite that help us comprehend that the Armenian Church is a community of worship. Our sacraments are community gatherings where we see baptisms, marriages, and Holy Communion.

Something else that I have been thinking about since the retreat was when we had time to ask questions to the priests there. They told us that, like everyone else, they too get burned out sometimes. They have many sacraments they must attend to per week, and write a meaningful sermon for every Sunday. When someone is severely ill, they have to find words to help them. As a Christian, we look up to our priests for advice and words when we are down, but who helps them when they are burned out? Some turn to God, to their families and spouses, or even to other priests. Sometimes we are so focused on the hardships in our lives that we forget to enjoy the life around us. So for this new week, I suggest that we all enjoy the life around us and to be kind to all :)

Thank You, Next 2018

2018 was a bit rough for me. Starting freshman year with way too much drama was not ideal, but I still managed to handle all of it. I have started to realize who my true friends really are and to avoid people who simply make me unhappy. I hang out with a different group of girls than I did in middle school. These girls make me laugh every day during lunch and care about me. I still have an old friend from middle school, and she continues to love and support me in life's challenges every day. We make each other happy and that's really all that matters. I am forever grateful for her.  There is a new song by Ariana Grande that just came out called, Thank U, Next. Not only is this song really catchy, but it also describes my 2018. There were plenty of unhappy moments last year, but we can move on.

Not only were there bad moments in 2018, but there were also plenty of great memories. I went to Universal Studios with my family. I also got to host my first Sports Weekend which was a blast! I had my class trip to Washington D.C. which was so cool because it felt like my entire grade was on vacation together! Camp was amazing as usual, and I loved being an oldest teen girl and hanging out with other Armenians. I made JV Soccer this year and got to play against some of my club soccer friends. There is also another person I got closer to last year who I didn't mention at the beginning. He is super sweet and always seems to put a smile on my face no matter how I'm feeling. We need more loving people like him in this world.

2019 I wanted to start the year off happy. I saw this thing on Pinterest (yes I am one of those girls) and was inspired to try it. Every day you put something that made you happy into a jar or box. Then at the end of the year, you go through them and see what a wonderful and happy year you had. This helps me a lot because I get to go to bed thinking about something happy. Please let me know if you end up doing this because I think that it's a cute idea to do!