screaming in red, blue, and orange

I'm a screamer. If you can't see me at any Bryant sporting event, including volleyball, basketball, and women's rugby, you will absolutely hear me. The saxophone section is only two people including myself, but you can hear my playing abilities as well as my voice cheering on our team on our home court/pitch. With the ethnic cleansing in Nagorno-Karabagh (Artsakh) right now, I feel the need to use my voice outside of the sports games more than ever. 

It is really difficult going through Instagram every morning and seeing all of my diaspora and Armenian friends and family spamming news articles for new updates in that region. Decades of fighting our own battles take a toll on the community as a whole. Seeing my people being stripped from their homes with only a trash bag full of items and the help from the diaspora, the only people who truly care, is bittersweet. It's nauseating how meaningful landmarks like the We Are Our Mountains statue suddenly being defaced and transformed, leaving centuries of culture behind. 

Since my trip to Armenia this July, I have had a new outlook on my activism. The news I see on Instagram and social media seems more personal now. Locations of regions that people are flocking to hold memories of my trip. And here I am in the States along with people that don't know and don't care. The students and friends I have on campus know my screaming, but do they listen when I scream about Artsakh? There aren't many Armenians at my university and even fewer that care about their ethnicity. 

To most people here, I am the only Armenian they know. I represent my people, even as a diasporan Armenian. I understand the silence they feel on a smaller scale. They are screaming for their homes, churches, landmarks, schools, and family members back and the entire world shuts its eyes. AGAIN. I don't understand how people can choose to be ignorant while their friends and classmates are fighting a virtual war for media attention and legislative help. Because of this, I refuse to be silent. I suggest you scream as well because there are families in Armenia who are screaming in grief for their family members and homes right now. 

some things i've been working on

Something I do when I write is that I save the intro for last. I believe that you can't fully introduce something if it doesn't exist yet. I think about that in terms of life, too. Nobody truly knows who they are yet. If we did, our lives would be boring and I'm already bored enough. As much as we physically exist, our personalities, likes, dislikes, and such are always changing. I live to learn about that. I love people and seeing how people change, myself included. I know that for me, my emotions toward things I used to enjoy have changed, and that was a big turning point for me this semester. However, there is almost always good in the change we see, and I know how much I've strengthened and learned about myself this past semester. So, I wanted to bring forth this change by being vulnerable and talking about some things that I have been noticing in myself recently. 

One thing that I have been focusing on in my self-growth journey is conquering fears. More often than not, I find myself fearful and as a result, choose to hide rather than face these experiences and learn. Especially during this first year of college, I was scared of so many things that I feel like I missed out on some great opportunities. I branched onto the first people I met, skipped rugby because I felt like I wasn't good at the sport, and was scared to go and talk to people in all sorts of settings. When the second semester came rolling around, I got more involved in rugby and talked to my teammates outside of practices and games. We got so much closer and we still constantly chat and I am also rooming with one of them next year. When I got closer to my suitemates and started branching out to new people, I found relationships that benefitted both of us and ended with some pretty positive memories. The first semester was tough, but ending my freshman year on a make made it worth it. 

I still have fears about life. There are so many things I am scared to do and so many things I don't know about, but that's normal. I don't want to live my life in fear anymore. Past experiences don't define me and I want to be able to experience things and take the risk even if they might be scary. Now that it's summer and my tan is starting to come back, I'm starting to feel myself again. I'm so excited for the opportunities ahead, even if I'm not the most confident. 

Another thing I've learned during this semester is that I doubt my creditability. I know I'm a good writer (I'm working as a writing center tutor next year!) and I know I can execute things, but I constantly feel like my work isn't good enough. I have a few leadership positions next year and I want to make sure I am putting in good work for them, but at the same time there's so much I don't know and I want to be efficient in my work. Idk I'm probably just overthinking and bitching, but I want to do great things in the business world in the future, and I want the people I'm doing work for to believe in me I guess. This will probably come with time and experience, but it is still something I'm consciously thinking about. 

I also realized that I care too quickly and too much about people. This characteristic has had positive and negative consequences on me this past year. I love people. That's why I picked my major/minor combo. Learning how people think and what draws attention to people excites me. Sometimes, I go too far and start sacrificing my own needs for people. I'm definitely improving and have set boundaries, but I do worry sometimes that I'm caring too much and value one-sided friendships too much. I'm very proud of myself for the growth I've had in this area and I'm starting to feel stronger in my day-to-day life. This semester was a big healing journey for me, but I learned so much socially as well as academically that I am so excited to go back. 

Overall, my mental health is getting better now that I have a strong support system and am getting back into the swing of things I started fearing. I know healing isn't linear, but with time and my favorite season, I have been significantly improving. I am also aware of the aspects of my life that aren't so positive, but I take charge anyways and stay strong despite the haters wanting to get to me. Everyone has bad days and I am not letting those days dictate my life. In the book I'm reading, the female protagonist journals every day and writes down three things she is thankful for. I stopped doing my happy slips, but I think I will start doing that as my nightly reflection to 'end on a make' as my dad says. In this world, we should fight with love, and not fear because "there is no fear in love" (1 John 4:18). 

i'm growing but still 5'3

 Lately, I have been looking back at old photos of me. I never thought I changed that much, but when I look at these photos I see how I used to feel within. I see the days when I hated my body. I see the times when I was such a people-pleaser and bent over backward for people who didn't even care about me. I did change physically too. I work out a lot more now and I do rugby which keeps me active. I also take care of myself more, and my body is starting to change for the better because of that. I've never stuck to taking care of myself for this long before, and it's scary sometimes. But when I look at my progress, I start to feel accomplished. 

I was talking to my lifelong best friend today and she was so proud of me for setting boundaries in situations now. It didn't even occur to me that I was doing it and now it's starting to become normal for me. I feel less guilty the more that I set boundaries and am more confident in myself now. It's such a good feeling knowing that people who I genuinely care about and who have seen me grow can see how much I've changed for the better. 

Ever since prioritizing putting myself first in January, I have grown in ways I could've never imagined. I go to therapy almost weekly. I was never the kind of girl who felt like I could talk to someone who was paid to listen, but having a professional help me pick my brain instead of overthinking is super helpful. And it also helps that I love my therapist. It's nice to have guidance at this point in my life where I'm doing a lot more on my own and a lot of big adulty things happen in my life every day.

I know that my life isn't perfect all of the sudden. I know I still have things to sort out and improve on. And everyone has bad days, bad weeks, and bad months. But knowing that everyday people are fighting their demons alongside me helps me keep going. I also know that the people I hold close in my life truly care about me, but they don't need to care for me anymore. My family, friends, suitemates, and teammates are all great people and I feel like the love I give out is finally being reciprocated. I feel strong that I am able to recognize these feelings. I feel strong that I'm not as burnt out as I was last semester. And it's a great ass feeling:)

"not the kind of girl who's lost and looking for direction"

 A lot of people have been telling me to not let other people or things take my joy away from me. It's been sticking with me lately, especially considering all the different types of people in my life have emphasized this. This has been quite a struggle for me. I have tried writing this blog post about it for a while and that is not usual for me. 

I have recently learned how careful I am with my joy. I try to keep the things I really love to myself and I don't talk about them a lot because I fear other people's opinions will taint my joy. Sometimes I feel like people ruin the things I love, and I've come to learn that that isn't fair to me and to not let others ruin things I love. Especially when it comes to my self-love, I feel like sometimes people just want to break me down. 

So I'm trying. I focus on doing things that make me happy and try to let go of the things that make me sad. The second part has been the hardest, and I don't know why. The main thing keeping me going is that every day I meet someone new. I gain a better connection with someone every day. I might lose someone once in a while, but there are so many people out there. I'll be okay. 

I feel the negative things pull me back. I'm scared to put myself out there and take risks sometimes. I know I'm not the only one. It's really draining to have to put yourself out there, but my urge to get to know people keeps me going. By putting myself out there, more people say hi to me on campus and I get food and study with a bunch of different people. 

title: Where Do We Go From Here by Alicia Keys

you love and you learn

Almost one month into the new year, I have already set my tone for what I want out of my life. There have been big changes in my life these last few months, and being able to come home and have time to reflect helped me realize some life moments I wish I had known sooner. 

Every day I learn. We all do. It might be something from classes, within ourselves, or other random facts. I choose to welcome learning into my life. Everyone makes mistakes, and that is how they learn. I am choosing to not fault myself for these mistakes, but rather learn from them. And I know how much I've learned so far. In fact, I am so proud of myself for how far I have grown. I am constantly growing and changing to become a better person every day even if it's a small step. 

With this mindset, I have forgiven other people's mistakes because they were learning as well. However, I need to make sure I don't discard my emotions by forgiving them so easily. I have been struggling with that recently and people around me have seen me affected. 

I deserve love. I can't give out my love to people who don't have any for themselves. Someone told me a phrase recently: "protect your peace" and I am planning to do exactly that. I want my own love, and people who won't forgive me and bring me down do not deserve my love. I want to find value in myself and my life, and I can't do that without my love. I am normally on the receiving end of people leaving my life to focus on themselves, but at this point in life, I understand why people need to leave sometimes. 

I'm not gonna lie, I am still carrying pain- my own and others. I still want to help my friends. It took me a long time to realize I can't. And it isn't because I am not strong enough. I know I am. But I sacrificed so much of myself in an attempt to help when I could that I wasn't myself anymore. I didn't have the time, energy, strength, or love to be able to care about myself. I have my own stuff to hold onto, but it kept getting crushed under holding on to my friends' burdens. I realized this week that I deserve better. As painful as it is, I need to step away from a situation to be able to feel myself again. I still don't know who I am, and that's ok. Every day I will keep learning about who I am and who I am not. Taking steps like these and early in my life will help me find who I am and why God put me on this earth.