some things i've been working on

Something I do when I write is that I save the intro for last. I believe that you can't fully introduce something if it doesn't exist yet. I think about that in terms of life, too. Nobody truly knows who they are yet. If we did, our lives would be boring and I'm already bored enough. As much as we physically exist, our personalities, likes, dislikes, and such are always changing. I live to learn about that. I love people and seeing how people change, myself included. I know that for me, my emotions toward things I used to enjoy have changed, and that was a big turning point for me this semester. However, there is almost always good in the change we see, and I know how much I've strengthened and learned about myself this past semester. So, I wanted to bring forth this change by being vulnerable and talking about some things that I have been noticing in myself recently. 

One thing that I have been focusing on in my self-growth journey is conquering fears. More often than not, I find myself fearful and as a result, choose to hide rather than face these experiences and learn. Especially during this first year of college, I was scared of so many things that I feel like I missed out on some great opportunities. I branched onto the first people I met, skipped rugby because I felt like I wasn't good at the sport, and was scared to go and talk to people in all sorts of settings. When the second semester came rolling around, I got more involved in rugby and talked to my teammates outside of practices and games. We got so much closer and we still constantly chat and I am also rooming with one of them next year. When I got closer to my suitemates and started branching out to new people, I found relationships that benefitted both of us and ended with some pretty positive memories. The first semester was tough, but ending my freshman year on a make made it worth it. 

I still have fears about life. There are so many things I am scared to do and so many things I don't know about, but that's normal. I don't want to live my life in fear anymore. Past experiences don't define me and I want to be able to experience things and take the risk even if they might be scary. Now that it's summer and my tan is starting to come back, I'm starting to feel myself again. I'm so excited for the opportunities ahead, even if I'm not the most confident. 

Another thing I've learned during this semester is that I doubt my creditability. I know I'm a good writer (I'm working as a writing center tutor next year!) and I know I can execute things, but I constantly feel like my work isn't good enough. I have a few leadership positions next year and I want to make sure I am putting in good work for them, but at the same time there's so much I don't know and I want to be efficient in my work. Idk I'm probably just overthinking and bitching, but I want to do great things in the business world in the future, and I want the people I'm doing work for to believe in me I guess. This will probably come with time and experience, but it is still something I'm consciously thinking about. 

I also realized that I care too quickly and too much about people. This characteristic has had positive and negative consequences on me this past year. I love people. That's why I picked my major/minor combo. Learning how people think and what draws attention to people excites me. Sometimes, I go too far and start sacrificing my own needs for people. I'm definitely improving and have set boundaries, but I do worry sometimes that I'm caring too much and value one-sided friendships too much. I'm very proud of myself for the growth I've had in this area and I'm starting to feel stronger in my day-to-day life. This semester was a big healing journey for me, but I learned so much socially as well as academically that I am so excited to go back. 

Overall, my mental health is getting better now that I have a strong support system and am getting back into the swing of things I started fearing. I know healing isn't linear, but with time and my favorite season, I have been significantly improving. I am also aware of the aspects of my life that aren't so positive, but I take charge anyways and stay strong despite the haters wanting to get to me. Everyone has bad days and I am not letting those days dictate my life. In the book I'm reading, the female protagonist journals every day and writes down three things she is thankful for. I stopped doing my happy slips, but I think I will start doing that as my nightly reflection to 'end on a make' as my dad says. In this world, we should fight with love, and not fear because "there is no fear in love" (1 John 4:18). 

you love and you learn

Almost one month into the new year, I have already set my tone for what I want out of my life. There have been big changes in my life these last few months, and being able to come home and have time to reflect helped me realize some life moments I wish I had known sooner. 

Every day I learn. We all do. It might be something from classes, within ourselves, or other random facts. I choose to welcome learning into my life. Everyone makes mistakes, and that is how they learn. I am choosing to not fault myself for these mistakes, but rather learn from them. And I know how much I've learned so far. In fact, I am so proud of myself for how far I have grown. I am constantly growing and changing to become a better person every day even if it's a small step. 

With this mindset, I have forgiven other people's mistakes because they were learning as well. However, I need to make sure I don't discard my emotions by forgiving them so easily. I have been struggling with that recently and people around me have seen me affected. 

I deserve love. I can't give out my love to people who don't have any for themselves. Someone told me a phrase recently: "protect your peace" and I am planning to do exactly that. I want my own love, and people who won't forgive me and bring me down do not deserve my love. I want to find value in myself and my life, and I can't do that without my love. I am normally on the receiving end of people leaving my life to focus on themselves, but at this point in life, I understand why people need to leave sometimes. 

I'm not gonna lie, I am still carrying pain- my own and others. I still want to help my friends. It took me a long time to realize I can't. And it isn't because I am not strong enough. I know I am. But I sacrificed so much of myself in an attempt to help when I could that I wasn't myself anymore. I didn't have the time, energy, strength, or love to be able to care about myself. I have my own stuff to hold onto, but it kept getting crushed under holding on to my friends' burdens. I realized this week that I deserve better. As painful as it is, I need to step away from a situation to be able to feel myself again. I still don't know who I am, and that's ok. Every day I will keep learning about who I am and who I am not. Taking steps like these and early in my life will help me find who I am and why God put me on this earth. 

the strength i find in my writing

 This past week has been tough. I feel weak and I am trying to regain my strength. Writing makes me feel more powerful, so I will be typing out this blog post to hopefully feel stronger by the end of it. I was hit with a lot of important events within a few days, and my mind hasn't caught up. It's hard because I want to keep going and be more attentive in my life and in the present, but I can't wrap my head around everything that's happened. 

I have so much fight in me. I get up every day. I make good choices. I try to be happy every single day, but it's soooo draining because I'm not ok. And I know that this is ok. You can't be happy every day. I got this feelings app that my best friend told me about where you do checkins throughout the day and it sends a notification to your friends on how you're feeling. It's been nice to be able to checkin on my friends, as well as getting texts to make sure I am ok. 

Things are challenging. I never expected my college experience to end up how it has so far. It's bittersweet. I never expected to have my roommate move out after one month of being on campus or joining the rugby team, but I'm glad they happened. It taught me so much socially along with how much I learn academically in classes. I've learned so much so far, so I guess I did expect some part of my college experience to be true. I've met so many new types of people here and it's fascinating to me to hear people's stories and how similar and different our lives were. 

The amount of independence is something I expected and was actually something I was excited for my life to be on my schedule only. It's been great having all of this time and living based on my plans, but a small part of me kinda hates it. I don't ask for help as often as I should. Sometimes it's hard for me to do things like vacuum or something without being asked to. And now that I live alone in my room, besides my suitemates, I'm not really asked to do anything. Because I'm so burnt out, I don't always get things done that I need to. I'm procrastinating as we speak. 

Now this is not an invitation to text me to do things because I will block your number. Once I find my strength again, I will be fine. Going home this weekend was really helpful, and I will be home again soon for Thanksgiving which is giving me motivation to keep going. I just gotta keep fighting. 

I'm really proud of myself that I am able to put my feelings to words. That I am able to share these feelings publicly, even the ugly ones. It is not easy to go through the shit that has been thrown at me this past week, but I am. Even if I'm feeling low and unfocused (currently labeled my emotion in the low energy unpleasant category as disengaged), I am still getting through my days. Now that I am able to make my feelings clearer and "unfog" my brain, I feel a lot better about myself and confident that I can get what I need to done even if it's not in the ideal timeline. I believe writing is my superpower because I feel stronger than I did before writing this blog post. 

wasted energy:)

     It's been harder to be productive now that the weather is colder and it gets darker so early. I've just been so tired lately, yet I keep going to keep my spirits up. Lately, I have been thinking about how my life is right now and realized that I was going and going for months on end, and now that Marching Band is over, everything feels still. I can stop grinding as hard as I was, but it feels weird. 

Sometimes, you get so caught up in the game and the next thing, that you forget about yourself and everything you have. High school sucks. It really does. I mean, look back at all of these posts from freshman year. There was a lot of tangible loss and intangible gain. I've lost close friends, but I've gained confidence. I think as people we forget about the gain and just focus on the negative. We have all lost a lot these past years, especially from covid. But we've also gained. 

When we got the email saying the school was going to be closed for 2 weeks, I was finally added to the friend group chat. I've been friends with some of those girls since, and have the best time with them. Granted, this group chat has changed a few times since then, but my bond with these girls gives me so much joy. 

Being in the alpha grade at school has been fun considering I get to see my sister in the hallway and I have handshakes with 3 freshmen. I think sometimes power can get to people's heads. I mean, you see it in high school movies all the time. I listen to mean girls the musical constantly oops. It really hit me today that it's so much easier to be nice than be the mean senior, even if that's the person people want you to be. High school is filled with so much hate. A lot of people don't realize. It's not physical for the most part, but it's all the trash-talking behind people's backs. The "he said" "she said" is how information travels, and you just pray that they aren't talking about you. Kids literally hate others solely because of what they hear which is actual BS. I've learned to just ignore what people say and because of that I've made friends with someone I didn't think I would. 

If you listen to the people talking about you, you become a bad person. I've learned that the hard way. These past few months, I've felt like such a shitty person, but then I realized I am not the bad guy. If I had a conflict with someone, I would speak to them directly and privately, but the people talking about me don't want to do that. With all that hate in high school, I am focusing on the people that bring joy and don't gossip and hate others solely because of what they have heard about them. 

There are so many things that bring me joy, and instead of focusing on tangible and intangible hate, I am going to focus on love and happiness. 

*the title is based off of Wasted Energy by Alicia Keys*

Healing and Finding My Fire

Lately, I have been thinking about my life and growth. I mean, I always do, but this time more positive. The main reason I started this blog (not the middle school phase but the high school update) was to share my learning experiences and spread kindness and positivity. I lost sight of that, but I am excited to get back on track and share some things I have planned for myself.

As I mentioned in my last post (which side note, I normally write a blog post once a month, and my New Years Resolution is to write more, so go me!) I hid a lot of the stress I had from my friends. I knew it was bad, but I didn't want to be a burden or problematic. And trust me, I know that sounds stupid, but my friend group have been besties since elementary school, and I'm still kinda new to the group. But I talk to them more now, and they are so kind and fun to be around. And now it feels more like a two-way friendship which is a great feeling:)

At the end of last year, I really didn't think I'd ever find people that made me as happy and carefree as he did. I always would tell myself "Heart of Stone" over and over again because I was never going to let anyone into my heart again. But building those walls never helped me. I was just as stressed as I used to be. And I now know that I am a much happier person when I let down my walls. Writing helps me let down those walls, too, which is another reason I will keep writing blog posts. I also still do my happy things of the day:).

I'm also starting to find My Fire again. To me, My Fire is the fuel of my self-confidence and self-love that comes from my heart. I wrote a vignette about it last year that, if people want to read, I can put up.  Ever since finding it, I know it is always there. Sometimes, I just lose sight of it. If you guys have something like My Fire in your lives, please share! I'd love to hear about it:).

Next weekend, I am going to see some of my favorite people in the world, and I am so excited to see them in person. It's been a while. And after that, I'll have my midterm exams. My grades aren't as good as they used to be when I was younger, but my classes are getting more challenging so we will see how things go. Keep being yourself! :)