It's been harder to be productive now that the weather is colder and it gets darker so early. I've just been so tired lately, yet I keep going to keep my spirits up. Lately, I have been thinking about how my life is right now and realized that I was going and going for months on end, and now that Marching Band is over, everything feels still. I can stop grinding as hard as I was, but it feels weird.
Sometimes, you get so caught up in the game and the next thing, that you forget about yourself and everything you have. High school sucks. It really does. I mean, look back at all of these posts from freshman year. There was a lot of tangible loss and intangible gain. I've lost close friends, but I've gained confidence. I think as people we forget about the gain and just focus on the negative. We have all lost a lot these past years, especially from covid. But we've also gained.
When we got the email saying the school was going to be closed for 2 weeks, I was finally added to the friend group chat. I've been friends with some of those girls since, and have the best time with them. Granted, this group chat has changed a few times since then, but my bond with these girls gives me so much joy.
Being in the alpha grade at school has been fun considering I get to see my sister in the hallway and I have handshakes with 3 freshmen. I think sometimes power can get to people's heads. I mean, you see it in high school movies all the time. I listen to mean girls the musical constantly oops. It really hit me today that it's so much easier to be nice than be the mean senior, even if that's the person people want you to be. High school is filled with so much hate. A lot of people don't realize. It's not physical for the most part, but it's all the trash-talking behind people's backs. The "he said" "she said" is how information travels, and you just pray that they aren't talking about you. Kids literally hate others solely because of what they hear which is actual BS. I've learned to just ignore what people say and because of that I've made friends with someone I didn't think I would.
If you listen to the people talking about you, you become a bad person. I've learned that the hard way. These past few months, I've felt like such a shitty person, but then I realized I am not the bad guy. If I had a conflict with someone, I would speak to them directly and privately, but the people talking about me don't want to do that. With all that hate in high school, I am focusing on the people that bring joy and don't gossip and hate others solely because of what they have heard about them.
There are so many things that bring me joy, and instead of focusing on tangible and intangible hate, I am going to focus on love and happiness.
*the title is based off of Wasted Energy by Alicia Keys*
