It's been a while since I have written. I do typically write a lot, whether that is poems, vignettes, or just a free write, but I haven't done any of that in so long. I've been busy, but I need this form of release. It does make me happy.
It's the end of my junior year. I survived my hopefully last year of hybrid learning and mask-wearing. All I can think about is how I am going to be a senior next year and that I may finally have a prom and get to do all the exciting senior activities. But it hit me a couple days ago that I haven't had a normal school year since I was a freshman. Even marching band hasn't been normal since freshman year, because we had the EEE mosquito threat during the fall of my sophomore year. I feel like I am growing up so fast, yet on the pace at the same time. I'm driving now (whaaaaaat I know) and it feels good having that sense of independence. I am really excited to be more independent when I go to college, but I am still enjoying being a high school teen.
I am very self-aware. I am proud of myself for that. I gained a sense of identity this year, mainly by being able to step back because of the quarantine. I also gained a sense of worth and know that I matter:). Even though I haven't been with many of my Armenian friends, I've still been in touch with my roots and work hard at the school to make sure our voices get heard. I did a lot for the Armenian Club this year and I am proud.
I also have used music to let out my emotions. I hide how I truly feel, but music has allowed me to feel emotions and find lyrics that resonate with me. The lyric in the title is from Lesson Learned by Alicia Keys. The way she sings is so tranquil yet loud at the same time. Her word choice and long notes make you feel her screaming and longing, and it's comforting to me. I was supposed to see her this summer on her tour, but she postponed it again. Check that one off the list of what isn't happening this summer:/. Machine Gun Kelly's music, which at first I wasn't a fan of, is actually screaming. Because I don't play soccer anymore, I haven't had a chance to verbally yell, and I didn't realize it had an effect on me before. When I listen to pop-rock, I feel like it is letting my anger out for me. I have many funny named playlists that make me feel different things. my Spotify is arianahov if you wanna check them out:)
I've learned, and am still learning, to be ok with change. It's hard but I know I am not the only one. Covid was a struggle for me socially, especially because understanding the tones of text messages can be confusing. I also just missed people. There were so many people I still haven't seen in years, as well as people who needed a mental break from phones and social media, including me. Going back to school fully in April was overwhelming for me at first because it was so loud and there were suddenly all these people in my classes. Now, I love it. I've learned everything is temporary, both good and bad. Things will get better, but not forever because you need a new challenge to overcome.
