This past week has been tough. I feel weak and I am trying to regain my strength. Writing makes me feel more powerful, so I will be typing out this blog post to hopefully feel stronger by the end of it. I was hit with a lot of important events within a few days, and my mind hasn't caught up. It's hard because I want to keep going and be more attentive in my life and in the present, but I can't wrap my head around everything that's happened.
I have so much fight in me. I get up every day. I make good choices. I try to be happy every single day, but it's soooo draining because I'm not ok. And I know that this is ok. You can't be happy every day. I got this feelings app that my best friend told me about where you do checkins throughout the day and it sends a notification to your friends on how you're feeling. It's been nice to be able to checkin on my friends, as well as getting texts to make sure I am ok.
Things are challenging. I never expected my college experience to end up how it has so far. It's bittersweet. I never expected to have my roommate move out after one month of being on campus or joining the rugby team, but I'm glad they happened. It taught me so much socially along with how much I learn academically in classes. I've learned so much so far, so I guess I did expect some part of my college experience to be true. I've met so many new types of people here and it's fascinating to me to hear people's stories and how similar and different our lives were.
The amount of independence is something I expected and was actually something I was excited for my life to be on my schedule only. It's been great having all of this time and living based on my plans, but a small part of me kinda hates it. I don't ask for help as often as I should. Sometimes it's hard for me to do things like vacuum or something without being asked to. And now that I live alone in my room, besides my suitemates, I'm not really asked to do anything. Because I'm so burnt out, I don't always get things done that I need to. I'm procrastinating as we speak.
Now this is not an invitation to text me to do things because I will block your number. Once I find my strength again, I will be fine. Going home this weekend was really helpful, and I will be home again soon for Thanksgiving which is giving me motivation to keep going. I just gotta keep fighting.
I'm really proud of myself that I am able to put my feelings to words. That I am able to share these feelings publicly, even the ugly ones. It is not easy to go through the shit that has been thrown at me this past week, but I am. Even if I'm feeling low and unfocused (currently labeled my emotion in the low energy unpleasant category as disengaged), I am still getting through my days. Now that I am able to make my feelings clearer and "unfog" my brain, I feel a lot better about myself and confident that I can get what I need to done even if it's not in the ideal timeline. I believe writing is my superpower because I feel stronger than I did before writing this blog post.
