screaming in red, blue, and orange

I'm a screamer. If you can't see me at any Bryant sporting event, including volleyball, basketball, and women's rugby, you will absolutely hear me. The saxophone section is only two people including myself, but you can hear my playing abilities as well as my voice cheering on our team on our home court/pitch. With the ethnic cleansing in Nagorno-Karabagh (Artsakh) right now, I feel the need to use my voice outside of the sports games more than ever. 

It is really difficult going through Instagram every morning and seeing all of my diaspora and Armenian friends and family spamming news articles for new updates in that region. Decades of fighting our own battles take a toll on the community as a whole. Seeing my people being stripped from their homes with only a trash bag full of items and the help from the diaspora, the only people who truly care, is bittersweet. It's nauseating how meaningful landmarks like the We Are Our Mountains statue suddenly being defaced and transformed, leaving centuries of culture behind. 

Since my trip to Armenia this July, I have had a new outlook on my activism. The news I see on Instagram and social media seems more personal now. Locations of regions that people are flocking to hold memories of my trip. And here I am in the States along with people that don't know and don't care. The students and friends I have on campus know my screaming, but do they listen when I scream about Artsakh? There aren't many Armenians at my university and even fewer that care about their ethnicity. 

To most people here, I am the only Armenian they know. I represent my people, even as a diasporan Armenian. I understand the silence they feel on a smaller scale. They are screaming for their homes, churches, landmarks, schools, and family members back and the entire world shuts its eyes. AGAIN. I don't understand how people can choose to be ignorant while their friends and classmates are fighting a virtual war for media attention and legislative help. Because of this, I refuse to be silent. I suggest you scream as well because there are families in Armenia who are screaming in grief for their family members and homes right now. 

"A Woman's Worth"

Hi. It's been a while. I know there's a lot going on, and I do want to talk about all of it, but honestly, it has been hard. For a while now, I've felt like I don't have a voice. I've been so overwhelmed with everything going on and it has created a huge writer's block. I know its a normal thing but damn it's hard. I have so many things I want to share and talk about, but it's so hard to put them on paper. Er, virtual paper?? I don't know what you'd call it.

Society belittles women. It's becoming more apparent now that I'm older. Society just trusts men more than women more which I find shocking. I don't like how men get to be more powerful all the time and how their opinions matter more than a female. Society just brushes our issues off their shoulders because they don't matter in their eyes. It's really frustrating! But since I feel like my opinion doesn't matter, I stay quiet. I feel like if I were to bring awareness to anything that I am not 100% passionate or knowledgeable about, somebody is just going to start a fight with me. And I try to avoid that as much as possible.

I'm not going to play soccer for high school or club anymore. Although I haven't been showing it, the decision was hard to make and it has been hard to move on. Soccer has been such an important part of my life since Kindergarten, but the politics and people stopped making it fun for me anymore. So I'm done.

A major thing I've learned recently is that fears are as big as you make them. If you obsess over your fears of what might happen, they will consume you and might happen. I let that happen to me. I was scared of not being good enough, and the result of that was seriously damaging my self-worth. I realized that yes I have weaknesses, but my strengths are what keep me going. I know that I am a loving, caring, kind-hearted, hard-working, powerful girl and that nobody can dull or change that. I stopped caring about my weaknesses and fears, and instead accepted them and moved on. I encourage you to do the same:)

Find your WHY

Hi guys, I skipped last month's blog post because of the coronavirus. I just didn't really feel any inspiration or motivation to write anything. This pandemic has been hard on each of us in its own way. Cancellations of an event that was exciting, cancellations of school, being laid off of a job, and watching a loved one get sick are a few of the challenges these past months have given us. But we've made it this far! We are conquering life's challenges. So keep it up, you're doing great:)

"Why?". That's been the most important word for me right now. Why is this happening to me? Why can't we just see our friends for an hour? Why is online school stressful at times? Why did God let these people die? The list goes on. The word Why wants answers. It wants a sense of comfort in times like this. But sometimes, there isn't an answer to the Why and that's okay. If we trust in God, we won't need the answers.

There is another aspect of "Why?" that has left me thinking and questioning everything. Why do I believe certain things? People ask me why when I share my opinion sometimes, and honestly, I don't know. What should I believe?

Our environment transforms us. That's the one thing I learned from reading The Lord of the Flies by William Golding. The boys on that island changed from British schoolboys that depended on their parents to savages that killed pigs and one another and eventually set the island on fire. People that live in the city are different from people that live in the suburbs or countryside. Even states: People who live in Massachusetts live different lives than someone in New Jersey or even Florida. Our speech, clothing, attitudes, and food are some of those things that make us different. I'm still shocked that people in other states don't have Jordan's Furniture:).

On a smaller scale, our home environments are different too. We were all raised a certain way, and that's how we've gained most of our beliefs. We just accepted the things that our parents, teachers, and other adults told us. But as we get older, those beliefs just stick with us and just stay as they are: unquestioned. So now that you're older, question them. Find your own beliefs and find your "why?" It's not like we have anything better to do:).

Your Ability to Choose

In class a while ago, my English teacher has us watch this video before we put in what course we want to take next year. The video was about finding your purpose in life. Not gonna lie, it scared me. I've never been one of those people that have their life planned out, and it's always bothered me. I think it's because I am scared of letting people down, especially myself. 

I am afraid of the future. It's so unpredictable and overwhelming. But, I guess, that's a good thing. It leads to almost endless opportunities that I can choose from. I have the ability to choose my future. And that's been another hard thing to accept. You only live once. And I know that quote is kind of cliche, but it is true. You have one life on this Earth, so make your own choices and make the most of it. Write thank you cards to people who have impacted your life. Help a stranger. Give back to something or someone. Choose the path that makes you the happiest.

If for some reason your path lost the happiness that it gave you, follow a different one. That was another lesson I got from the video. Things change in life. If you want something better, go for it. Do not suffer for others. I learned that lesson the hard way. 

I learned that everything starts with you. How you handle things, your mindset, your ability to choose to name a few. You choose your life, so choose the one you want. 

Whatever I choose, I will be writing. 

Fake Personas and Fears

Hi. It's been a while. A lot has been going on and I wanted to share it with people. Honestly, I feel kinda weird typing this right now because I almost feel like I can't. I am a new person than I was before. And I know that it's okay and encouraged that I grow and change as a person. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that I am a changing person and can flow with the times, it just feels different than when I used to write these.

A big issue that I am having from being a 15-year old teenager is the fact that I care way too much about what people think of me and how I am perceived by everyone. I love myself, but I am still afraid of other people not liking me. I tend to put up a fake persona sometimes because I want people to like me. My real friends know and like both "sides" of me and honestly, I think a lot of them do the same thing. In my heart, however, I always know the real me.

I mean everyone wants to belong, right? Everyone wants to "fit in" and be wanted and loved. I certainly do. In fact, being forgotten and unwanted is my biggest fear. I know I'll always have God by my side, but I still get so scared that one day everyone is going to turn on me and hurt me and that I'll die alone.

I am afraid of being on the list of dead people during the hokehankist (a part in the Armenian Church Divine Liturgy that commemorates the deceased people in the church from that week) and nobody knowing who I am. Just another person on the list and everyone just waiting for the church service to end. And then everyone will file out and go to fellowship hour and not even realize that my name was said and even who I am.

And yes, I am aware that I of all people should not be worried about dying but I still do. I worry about everything. I call it spiraling. Spiraling is when I keep stressing all at once and I just can't stop overthinking. This week, I did a lot of spiraling. I am okay now. This week was just a rough one, but I got through it. It's a new start. It's a new week.

I also want to ask that for Thanksgiving, be thankful for everyone and everything around you. We live too much in the future and don't focus on what we have right now. So please, focus on how amazing your life is because there is good in everything:)

Follow your dreams

Everyone always tells me to follow my dreams. But what even is a dream? Is it a journey? A craving of something more? Well, according to Cinderella, "A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep". Even though I live for Disney, I don't think this definition is very accurate. There isn't any action or hard work mentioned in Cinderella's connotation of a dream. So I looked it up. The exact definition is "a cherished aspiration, ambition, or ideal". So I guess Cinderella was a little bit right. Moral of the story: Don't doubt Disney.

This week was one of the worst weeks I have ever had. Nothing bad happened to me, but I was just so unlike myself and felt terrible about myself. I guess in the end, I was scared. This is something that is really hard for me to admit. But I was. I was scared.

I was scared about the Turkish flags on the Armenian schools in LA. I am writing a research paper on Armenian immigration, and it kills me to see that Armenians have been through so much hostility and hatred toward their culture and it continues to happen today. I was afraid that it would happen to my school. Even though my school is very safe, I was afraid that if it happened nobody would care. It turns out, there are people in my life who always seem to care about what I care about and would support me if anything like that ever happened to me. Sometimes I forget that they are there because I get too caught up in my head.

I was scared because I didn't have a plan for the future. It was overwhelming to me once I realized I don't have a favorite subject, or really a desire to have any specific job in the future. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, and I now realize that it is ok. I don't even need to figure it out for years! I just like being prepared, but I now have learned that I do not need to prepare for things that are not happening in the near future.

In the end, I was scared because I didn't have a dream. Yes, I have wishes, but I am very hesitant to persue them. Now I understand what people mean when they say follow your dreams. It means to make your wishes a reality and never let them go because you are a strong and beautiful person and can do anything. As Cinderella would say, "Have faith in your dreams and someday, your rainbow will come smiling through"

Overcoming the Obstacles of Life

Getting over someone or something is a very difficult thing to do sometimes. I have realized that it is apart of your life journey. It is difficult to depart from a friend or beloved item. That is what I have learned from my high school journey so far. Leaving some of my middle school friends has been very hard for me, some harder than others, but I know it was for the right cause.  

Life is tough. Every day there are new challenges that one must overcome. It might be rushing to finish an assignment you didn't think was due or dealing with friend drama, or simply just finding time for doing the things you love. With all of these after-school activities and homework, it can be hard to find time to read a book, go outside, etc.

This year I made a pact to myself to do at least one thing that isn't school related before I go to sleep to help relieve stress. This could be something as simple as organizing a drawer, reading a chapter in a book, praying to God, or even just picking up the stuff on my bedroom floor. So far, it has worked pretty well. I like thinking, "You accomplished something today" and has been promoting a kinder mindset in general. I highly recommend doing this if you ever feel anxious about anything.

This past few weeks have been more stressful than I anticipated. It felt like I got handed a HUGE pile of laundry to sort through all at once. The high school has been more manageable for me since then, and I am very grateful for that.

The challenges of your everyday life may seem tough at the time, but it is nothing you can't handle. Just take a deep breath and break down your problem. I believe in you.

https://dribbble.com/shots/4073407-You-Got-This 

School!

Hello! With school and college beginning, I just want you to exhale all of the nervousness and inhale some confidence. I am going into 9th grade this year and to be honest, I am a bit nervous. But with the guidance from God and my friends, I am sure that my transition to high school will be easier. School can be scary, but if you think about it, it isn't that bad. find the root of whatever it is you are most worried about and find a solution you think is most fitting. Good luck and I am sure you will do great!

photo creds:http://newhdquotes.com/inspirational-quotes-to-stay-in-school/inspirational-quotes-to-stay-in-school-still/