Lately, I have been thinking about my life and growth. I mean, I always do, but this time more positive. The main reason I started this blog (not the middle school phase but the high school update) was to share my learning experiences and spread kindness and positivity. I lost sight of that, but I am excited to get back on track and share some things I have planned for myself.
As I mentioned in my last post (which side note, I normally write a blog post once a month, and my New Years Resolution is to write more, so go me!) I hid a lot of the stress I had from my friends. I knew it was bad, but I didn't want to be a burden or problematic. And trust me, I know that sounds stupid, but my friend group have been besties since elementary school, and I'm still kinda new to the group. But I talk to them more now, and they are so kind and fun to be around. And now it feels more like a two-way friendship which is a great feeling:)
At the end of last year, I really didn't think I'd ever find people that made me as happy and carefree as he did. I always would tell myself "Heart of Stone" over and over again because I was never going to let anyone into my heart again. But building those walls never helped me. I was just as stressed as I used to be. And I now know that I am a much happier person when I let down my walls. Writing helps me let down those walls, too, which is another reason I will keep writing blog posts. I also still do my happy things of the day:).
I'm also starting to find My Fire again. To me, My Fire is the fuel of my self-confidence and self-love that comes from my heart. I wrote a vignette about it last year that, if people want to read, I can put up. Ever since finding it, I know it is always there. Sometimes, I just lose sight of it. If you guys have something like My Fire in your lives, please share! I'd love to hear about it:).
Next weekend, I am going to see some of my favorite people in the world, and I am so excited to see them in person. It's been a while. And after that, I'll have my midterm exams. My grades aren't as good as they used to be when I was younger, but my classes are getting more challenging so we will see how things go. Keep being yourself! :)
Thursday, January 9, 2020
Wednesday, January 1, 2020
This is 2019
2019 was a rollercoaster, I'm not gonna lie. But, I had such an amazing year despite the hardships. I learned a lot about myself and I would really like to share my year and how I've learned and changed.
Also, this year I pushed myself to do this thing I called "My Happy Slips" or "My Happy Thing Of The Day". Every night before I went to bed, I would write something that made me happy that day. After reading every single one I did this year today, I realized they were typically having deep conversations with people, a moment that happened that day, self-care, or a revelation of something in the future. By doing these, I was less anxious before going to bed and went to sleep thinking about things that made me happy. I highly recommend that you guys try something like this in your daily lives. You'll realize that you are a much happier and positive person because of it.
Most of my January ones were related to having midterms for the first time in my high school career. I was nervous because I didn't know what to expect. I used to be scared of not being fully prepared and worked my butt off to get what I considered good grades. Now I still try, but accept myself more if I mess up or don't get my desired grade on a test.
February was a rough month for me. I sprained a ligament in my left ankle due to indoor soccer and had crutches and a boot for 2 months. I will never forget the nights I would wake every hour because my boot was so uncomfortable. I also had a lot of friendship stress that I had been hiding from everyone because I used to be uncomfortable speaking my opinion in case someone didn't believe in it. I know now that I need to believe in myself and am still working on that to this day.
March was also a sad month, for me and my peers. In March, a boy in my grade named Tyler Greene killed himself. I remember the dullness in the hallways and in people's eyes. I remember the pain that it caused the school, both people who knew him and those who didn't. I ended a relationship in March as well. I was broken as well as most of the people around me. But endings mean new beginnings.
April was my healing month. At the beginning of April, I started PT and walking without a boot on. I was so relieved to be myself again. In April, I started realizing the things that hurt me and became closer with some of my friends. Also in April, I began to play soccer again. This month also sparked my need to love myself.
May was my health month. I started dieting and learning about my identity even more. I stopped hiding temporarily and was vocal about me being happy and my opinions. We did a vignette project in English. Vignettes are very detailed small pieces of imagery. I wrote my favorite piece of writing ever called "My Fire". "My Fire" describes the feeling I felt within when I started loving myself and building my confidence. I lost 6 pounds in May from the diet and working out. I was able to fit into the dress I wanted to wear for Sports Weekend, and to me, that was one of my favorite moments of this year.
June was also a good month for me. I did have my first ever finals, but I did fine. My freshman year was finally over. My summer soccer clinics for the high school team started in June too. There isn't much to say about June. I had fun. I was happy.
To me, July is "camp month". I go to an Armenian sleepaway camp for 2 weeks which is my favorite part of the whole year. This year, my group was the oldest girl group which is fun. Being the oldest means that we got to plan an evening activity for the campers which was my favorite part of camp. My CIT's and counselors were the best and my entire group really bonded with each other. My counselors did this box activity where we could write down a question and put it in a box, and then they would pick it and answer it. It made me feel like I had a big sister and I learned a lot.
August was my birthday month, but also one of my toughest months. I made the worst high school soccer team and cried for days because I felt like I wasn't good enough. All of my "friends" made the better team, and it was rough to see all of my friendships with these people drift away, especially one in particular.
To me, September was a new beginning. I started sophomore year. I put effort into my friendships. I got to see all my friends that I didn't get a chance to hang out with all summer. I'm taking Chemistry and high honors English (Level 5) which was exciting and a new challenge. As for soccer, I became the captain of the team I was on and started to bond a little with my teammates. One of them is now one of my best friends:). Even though I wasn't happy being on the team, I still worked hard and tried to have some fun.
October was a fun month. My friends started making plans with me and we all went to screamfest at Canobie Lake Park sometime in the fall. It was my first time and I am so excited to go back! I also focused more of my time into Marching Band because it brought me more joy than soccer did. We had 2 comps in October which are always exciting. I became a lot closer to those kids and had a lot of fun whenever I came to practice and Saturday games. I also had a Halloween party with all of my friends and we had such a great time.
November was not-so-fun. I left one of my closest friends. That was a really hard thing to got through because we had been best friends since we met. We are trying to fix things, but we both know it will never be the same. Algebra 2 and Spanish 4a became pretty difficult. I struggled a lot in math, and I am working hard in extra help and outside of school to understand the material. School is getting difficult for me, but I'm sure I'll get the hang of it again. However, I started going to church more and bonded with my friends there. We had a Lockin, which is a faith-building sleepover at the church that our youth group does twice a year. It was Christina's first one.
December wasn't a healing month like I had hoped, but I did learn a lot about myself. I learned that I hide a lot of me because I am afraid of what people think of me. I always think that people hate me so that if they actually do I don't get my heart broken. I learned that I can't rely on other people for happiness. I learned that I need to stop hiding and protecting my heart. I need to learn to say no as well. I also realized that my friends will always be there for me and that they actually care about me. These girls were friends since elementary school, so I'm relatively new in the group. I used to feel left out sometimes, but in December they really made me feel like I belonged and that they want me in their group. I am so lucky to have finally found good friends this year.
So yes, 2019 had its challenges and lots of tears, but I learned so much about myself and I am so excited to see what 2020 and this new decade presents:)
June was also a good month for me. I did have my first ever finals, but I did fine. My freshman year was finally over. My summer soccer clinics for the high school team started in June too. There isn't much to say about June. I had fun. I was happy.
To me, July is "camp month". I go to an Armenian sleepaway camp for 2 weeks which is my favorite part of the whole year. This year, my group was the oldest girl group which is fun. Being the oldest means that we got to plan an evening activity for the campers which was my favorite part of camp. My CIT's and counselors were the best and my entire group really bonded with each other. My counselors did this box activity where we could write down a question and put it in a box, and then they would pick it and answer it. It made me feel like I had a big sister and I learned a lot.
August was my birthday month, but also one of my toughest months. I made the worst high school soccer team and cried for days because I felt like I wasn't good enough. All of my "friends" made the better team, and it was rough to see all of my friendships with these people drift away, especially one in particular.
To me, September was a new beginning. I started sophomore year. I put effort into my friendships. I got to see all my friends that I didn't get a chance to hang out with all summer. I'm taking Chemistry and high honors English (Level 5) which was exciting and a new challenge. As for soccer, I became the captain of the team I was on and started to bond a little with my teammates. One of them is now one of my best friends:). Even though I wasn't happy being on the team, I still worked hard and tried to have some fun.
October was a fun month. My friends started making plans with me and we all went to screamfest at Canobie Lake Park sometime in the fall. It was my first time and I am so excited to go back! I also focused more of my time into Marching Band because it brought me more joy than soccer did. We had 2 comps in October which are always exciting. I became a lot closer to those kids and had a lot of fun whenever I came to practice and Saturday games. I also had a Halloween party with all of my friends and we had such a great time.
November was not-so-fun. I left one of my closest friends. That was a really hard thing to got through because we had been best friends since we met. We are trying to fix things, but we both know it will never be the same. Algebra 2 and Spanish 4a became pretty difficult. I struggled a lot in math, and I am working hard in extra help and outside of school to understand the material. School is getting difficult for me, but I'm sure I'll get the hang of it again. However, I started going to church more and bonded with my friends there. We had a Lockin, which is a faith-building sleepover at the church that our youth group does twice a year. It was Christina's first one.
December wasn't a healing month like I had hoped, but I did learn a lot about myself. I learned that I hide a lot of me because I am afraid of what people think of me. I always think that people hate me so that if they actually do I don't get my heart broken. I learned that I can't rely on other people for happiness. I learned that I need to stop hiding and protecting my heart. I need to learn to say no as well. I also realized that my friends will always be there for me and that they actually care about me. These girls were friends since elementary school, so I'm relatively new in the group. I used to feel left out sometimes, but in December they really made me feel like I belonged and that they want me in their group. I am so lucky to have finally found good friends this year.
So yes, 2019 had its challenges and lots of tears, but I learned so much about myself and I am so excited to see what 2020 and this new decade presents:)
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