corona be hitting different

Each Friday in English class, we have something called "Free Write Friday" where we take out a piece of paper and write out whatever comes into our brain for 10 mins. It's helped me so much to clear my brain, and I recommend you make time for it too. 

I know it's not just me, but once Daylight Savings Time comes and the sunsets at 3pm, my days feel suffocated. If I need to just take a break from things, I have fewer options cause you can't really go outside. I feel like my days are spent in my room, and it unsettles me. But this is how the world is right now. 

Zoom Fatigue is also a real struggle for me. On Wednesdays, I see all of my classes remotely, with 30 minutes each class. And damnnnn I'm tired after the second one! I hate staring at a screen all day, sometimes not even talking. I'm so thankful that I can go to school two days a week, for now. 

Another thing that's worn me out was seeing all the things going on in Artsakh and Armenia on all of my Armenian friend's Instagram stories. I tried taking a break, but I felt so guilty that I just stopped. I'm not gonna summarize it here, if you're curious, there are links and Instagram accounts below. If you want to donate, I'll also put the link to the Armenia Fund below. Anyway, it hurt seeing all the stories and young soldiers on the front lines. I've mainly stopped posting now because I'm tired of being sad all the time. I know they are struggling in Armenia, but I've done my part, and now it's in God's control. 

I wrote this to remind you guys that you aren't alone. Although you may feel it in these covid times, there are people in your life that care about you. Last night, I thought of all the people that care about me, and whose lives would be different without me. I wanted to tell people that they are loved no matter what flaws they have which is why I've stated some of mine. We aren't perfect, even if you strive to be as close as you can to perfect. But perfect doesn't exist. Ask yourself, "what's my perfect"  or "what's my expectations for myself" and you might realize that they aren't reachable. 

I hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving yesterday! I hope that everyone stayed safe and that this will be over soon:)

https://zartonkmedia.com/ 

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/azerbaijan-armenia-war-nagorno-karabakh-b1719814.html 

https://anca.org/

https://armeniafund.ejoinme.org/donate 

fun fact.

Identity. Who are you? It's a big theme this year in school. I think we're supposed to know who we are and what we are meant to be by the end of the year. I don't think that's possible, but fine here are some "fun facts" about me. 

I hate making decisions. I hate knowing that if I pick one thing over the other, that it could be wrong. That I could've ruined my life in one decision. I overthink the decision till my body shakes and brain spirals. I could be wrong. I can't be wrong. 

I am Armenian. As if you didn't already know. I don't shut up about it. I wear a cross and my name in Armenian around my neck everyday, just to flex and inform you. I do so many projects about the Armenian Genocide and my people because I know if I don't, nobody will ever know about us. And then Turkey would have won, and they do not get to win. 

My biggest fear is not belonging. But I guess that's not a fear cause its true. Nobody belongs. I've never "fit in" with any group, but does anyone? I think its all in our heads. We're just afraid that they won't accept us, when we need to accept ourselves first. So I guess my real big fear is not being able to have kids, but if anyone asks its spiders. 

But I know that this is not what you want to hear. "Hi I'm Ariana and I play the saxophone, I have 2 younger sisters, and I just got my permit". There. That's my identity for you summed up in three "fun facts". 

                                                This is my page for American Perspectives. 

"A Woman's Worth"

Hi. It's been a while. I know there's a lot going on, and I do want to talk about all of it, but honestly, it has been hard. For a while now, I've felt like I don't have a voice. I've been so overwhelmed with everything going on and it has created a huge writer's block. I know its a normal thing but damn it's hard. I have so many things I want to share and talk about, but it's so hard to put them on paper. Er, virtual paper?? I don't know what you'd call it.

Society belittles women. It's becoming more apparent now that I'm older. Society just trusts men more than women more which I find shocking. I don't like how men get to be more powerful all the time and how their opinions matter more than a female. Society just brushes our issues off their shoulders because they don't matter in their eyes. It's really frustrating! But since I feel like my opinion doesn't matter, I stay quiet. I feel like if I were to bring awareness to anything that I am not 100% passionate or knowledgeable about, somebody is just going to start a fight with me. And I try to avoid that as much as possible.

I'm not going to play soccer for high school or club anymore. Although I haven't been showing it, the decision was hard to make and it has been hard to move on. Soccer has been such an important part of my life since Kindergarten, but the politics and people stopped making it fun for me anymore. So I'm done.

A major thing I've learned recently is that fears are as big as you make them. If you obsess over your fears of what might happen, they will consume you and might happen. I let that happen to me. I was scared of not being good enough, and the result of that was seriously damaging my self-worth. I realized that yes I have weaknesses, but my strengths are what keep me going. I know that I am a loving, caring, kind-hearted, hard-working, powerful girl and that nobody can dull or change that. I stopped caring about my weaknesses and fears, and instead accepted them and moved on. I encourage you to do the same:)

Find your WHY

Hi guys, I skipped last month's blog post because of the coronavirus. I just didn't really feel any inspiration or motivation to write anything. This pandemic has been hard on each of us in its own way. Cancellations of an event that was exciting, cancellations of school, being laid off of a job, and watching a loved one get sick are a few of the challenges these past months have given us. But we've made it this far! We are conquering life's challenges. So keep it up, you're doing great:)

"Why?". That's been the most important word for me right now. Why is this happening to me? Why can't we just see our friends for an hour? Why is online school stressful at times? Why did God let these people die? The list goes on. The word Why wants answers. It wants a sense of comfort in times like this. But sometimes, there isn't an answer to the Why and that's okay. If we trust in God, we won't need the answers.

There is another aspect of "Why?" that has left me thinking and questioning everything. Why do I believe certain things? People ask me why when I share my opinion sometimes, and honestly, I don't know. What should I believe?

Our environment transforms us. That's the one thing I learned from reading The Lord of the Flies by William Golding. The boys on that island changed from British schoolboys that depended on their parents to savages that killed pigs and one another and eventually set the island on fire. People that live in the city are different from people that live in the suburbs or countryside. Even states: People who live in Massachusetts live different lives than someone in New Jersey or even Florida. Our speech, clothing, attitudes, and food are some of those things that make us different. I'm still shocked that people in other states don't have Jordan's Furniture:).

On a smaller scale, our home environments are different too. We were all raised a certain way, and that's how we've gained most of our beliefs. We just accepted the things that our parents, teachers, and other adults told us. But as we get older, those beliefs just stick with us and just stay as they are: unquestioned. So now that you're older, question them. Find your own beliefs and find your "why?" It's not like we have anything better to do:).

Stressing and Purel Obsessing

Wow. This month has been a year. It feels weird to be living like I'm in a history textbook. I wish I could give insight on how to be okay and calm during the coronavirus quarantine, but I can't. I'm stressed, and I have been for a while.
It's weird having every single part of your routine just taken away from you so suddenly. Everyone lost some event they wanted already, like a sweet 16, musical, band concert, sports tournaments, jobs, school, just to name a few. It's been scary. I've made routines and daily objectives that ease some stress.
I've realized that I like having control in my life, and this virus takes away a lot of my control. In a virtual ACYOA (youth group) ZOOM call, we talked about things we are able to controls and things we cant. We should not stress about the things we cannot control, yet I do. A lot. I stress a lot about things I cannot control, and sometimes I can't stop. I call it spiraling. But, when you step back and enjoy life's moments the spiraling stops.
Now, this is harder to do being quarantined because I can't just go outside or really get "me" time. Everyone is in the house at the same time, and as an active family, I find this not normal and stressful. I have been cooped up in my room for the most part cause I just want to breathe and relax by myself.
This new life is different, but with time I know, it will become a new normal and not freak me out.
I know there are many people out there just like me, worrying about the future and surviving and doing the right thing. To those people, look outside and around at your life right now, Notice the gifts of life and God bestowed upon us. Listen to the hum of people at home and music and noise coming from technology. There's a song that's been in my head all day called The Life by Alicia Keys. Highly recommend. That's what I'm listening to:). Hold on to the people that matter to you the most. And wash those hands.

Your Ability to Choose

In class a while ago, my English teacher has us watch this video before we put in what course we want to take next year. The video was about finding your purpose in life. Not gonna lie, it scared me. I've never been one of those people that have their life planned out, and it's always bothered me. I think it's because I am scared of letting people down, especially myself. 

I am afraid of the future. It's so unpredictable and overwhelming. But, I guess, that's a good thing. It leads to almost endless opportunities that I can choose from. I have the ability to choose my future. And that's been another hard thing to accept. You only live once. And I know that quote is kind of cliche, but it is true. You have one life on this Earth, so make your own choices and make the most of it. Write thank you cards to people who have impacted your life. Help a stranger. Give back to something or someone. Choose the path that makes you the happiest.

If for some reason your path lost the happiness that it gave you, follow a different one. That was another lesson I got from the video. Things change in life. If you want something better, go for it. Do not suffer for others. I learned that lesson the hard way. 

I learned that everything starts with you. How you handle things, your mindset, your ability to choose to name a few. You choose your life, so choose the one you want. 

Whatever I choose, I will be writing. 

Healing and Finding My Fire

Lately, I have been thinking about my life and growth. I mean, I always do, but this time more positive. The main reason I started this blog (not the middle school phase but the high school update) was to share my learning experiences and spread kindness and positivity. I lost sight of that, but I am excited to get back on track and share some things I have planned for myself.

As I mentioned in my last post (which side note, I normally write a blog post once a month, and my New Years Resolution is to write more, so go me!) I hid a lot of the stress I had from my friends. I knew it was bad, but I didn't want to be a burden or problematic. And trust me, I know that sounds stupid, but my friend group have been besties since elementary school, and I'm still kinda new to the group. But I talk to them more now, and they are so kind and fun to be around. And now it feels more like a two-way friendship which is a great feeling:)

At the end of last year, I really didn't think I'd ever find people that made me as happy and carefree as he did. I always would tell myself "Heart of Stone" over and over again because I was never going to let anyone into my heart again. But building those walls never helped me. I was just as stressed as I used to be. And I now know that I am a much happier person when I let down my walls. Writing helps me let down those walls, too, which is another reason I will keep writing blog posts. I also still do my happy things of the day:).

I'm also starting to find My Fire again. To me, My Fire is the fuel of my self-confidence and self-love that comes from my heart. I wrote a vignette about it last year that, if people want to read, I can put up.  Ever since finding it, I know it is always there. Sometimes, I just lose sight of it. If you guys have something like My Fire in your lives, please share! I'd love to hear about it:).

Next weekend, I am going to see some of my favorite people in the world, and I am so excited to see them in person. It's been a while. And after that, I'll have my midterm exams. My grades aren't as good as they used to be when I was younger, but my classes are getting more challenging so we will see how things go. Keep being yourself! :)

This is 2019

2019 was a rollercoaster, I'm not gonna lie. But, I had such an amazing year despite the hardships. I learned a lot about myself and I would really like to share my year and how I've learned and changed.

Also, this year I pushed myself to do this thing I called "My Happy Slips" or "My Happy Thing Of The Day". Every night before I went to bed, I would write something that made me happy that day. After reading every single one I did this year today, I realized they were typically having deep conversations with people, a moment that happened that day, self-care, or a revelation of something in the future. By doing these, I was less anxious before going to bed and went to sleep thinking about things that made me happy. I highly recommend that you guys try something like this in your daily lives. You'll realize that you are a much happier and positive person because of it. 

Most of my January ones were related to having midterms for the first time in my high school career.  I was nervous because I didn't know what to expect. I used to be scared of not being fully prepared and worked my butt off to get what I considered good grades. Now I still try, but accept myself more if I mess up or don't get my desired grade on a test. 

February was a rough month for me. I sprained a ligament in my left ankle due to indoor soccer and had crutches and a boot for 2 months. I will never forget the nights I would wake every hour because my boot was so uncomfortable. I also had a lot of friendship stress that I had been hiding from everyone because I used to be uncomfortable speaking my opinion in case someone didn't believe in it. I know now that I need to believe in myself and am still working on that to this day. 

March was also a sad month, for me and my peers. In March, a boy in my grade named Tyler Greene killed himself. I remember the dullness in the hallways and in people's eyes. I remember the pain that it caused the school, both people who knew him and those who didn't. I ended a relationship in March as well. I was broken as well as most of the people around me. But endings mean new beginnings. 

April was my healing month. At the beginning of April, I started PT and walking without a boot on. I was so relieved to be myself again. In April, I started realizing the things that hurt me and became closer with some of my friends. Also in April, I began to play soccer again. This month also sparked my need to love myself. 

May was my health month. I started dieting and learning about my identity even more. I stopped hiding temporarily and was vocal about me being happy and my opinions. We did a vignette project in English. Vignettes are very detailed small pieces of imagery. I wrote my favorite piece of writing ever called "My Fire". "My Fire" describes the feeling I felt within when I started loving myself and building my confidence. I lost 6 pounds in May from the diet and working out. I was able to fit into the dress I wanted to wear for Sports Weekend, and to me, that was one of my favorite moments of this year.

June was also a good month for me. I did have my first ever finals, but I did fine. My freshman year was finally over. My summer soccer clinics for the high school team started in June too. There isn't much to say about June. I had fun. I was happy.

To me, July is "camp month". I go to an Armenian sleepaway camp for 2 weeks which is my favorite part of the whole year. This year, my group was the oldest girl group which is fun. Being the oldest means that we got to plan an evening activity for the campers which was my favorite part of camp. My CIT's and counselors were the best and my entire group really bonded with each other. My counselors did this box activity where we could write down a question and put it in a box, and then they would pick it and answer it. It made me feel like I had a big sister and I learned a lot.

August was my birthday month, but also one of my toughest months. I made the worst high school soccer team and cried for days because I felt like I wasn't good enough. All of my "friends" made the better team, and it was rough to see all of my friendships with these people drift away, especially one in particular.

To me, September was a new beginning. I started sophomore year. I put effort into my friendships. I got to see all my friends that I didn't get a chance to hang out with all summer. I'm taking Chemistry and high honors English (Level 5) which was exciting and a new challenge. As for soccer, I became the captain of the team I was on and started to bond a little with my teammates. One of them is now one of my best friends:). Even though I wasn't happy being on the team, I still worked hard and tried to have some fun.

October was a fun month. My friends started making plans with me and we all went to screamfest at Canobie Lake Park sometime in the fall. It was my first time and I am so excited to go back! I also focused more of my time into Marching Band because it brought me more joy than soccer did. We had 2 comps in October which are always exciting. I became a lot closer to those kids and had a lot of fun whenever I came to practice and Saturday games. I also had a Halloween party with all of my friends and we had such a great time.

November was not-so-fun. I left one of my closest friends. That was a really hard thing to got through because we had been best friends since we met. We are trying to fix things, but we both know it will never be the same. Algebra 2 and Spanish 4a became pretty difficult. I struggled a lot in math, and I am working hard in extra help and outside of school to understand the material. School is getting difficult for me, but I'm sure I'll get the hang of it again. However, I started going to church more and bonded with my friends there. We had a Lockin, which is a faith-building sleepover at the church that our youth group does twice a year. It was Christina's first one.

December wasn't a healing month like I had hoped, but I did learn a lot about myself. I learned that I hide a lot of me because I am afraid of what people think of me. I always think that people hate me so that if they actually do I don't get my heart broken. I learned that I can't rely on other people for happiness. I learned that I need to stop hiding and protecting my heart. I need to learn to say no as well. I also realized that my friends will always be there for me and that they actually care about me. These girls were friends since elementary school, so I'm relatively new in the group. I used to feel left out sometimes, but in December they really made me feel like I belonged and that they want me in their group. I am so lucky to have finally found good friends this year.

So yes, 2019 had its challenges and lots of tears, but I learned so much about myself and I am so excited to see what 2020 and this new decade presents:)