the end of the 2021 season

 As you may know, every year I do what I call my Happy Slips. Every night before I go to bed, I wrote down something that made me happy, and at the end of the year, I open the box and see what a happy year I had. I didn't do many this year because hybrid learning took a toll on me, along with other challenges I faced. There were months where I was miserable, but there were also months I felt like I was on cloud nine. 

I noticed that the first half of the year (the end of my junior year) I was a completely different person. I latched onto friendships because of the lack of people in my classes and my cohort. I followed people because I was scared that people wouldn't follow me if I was myself. But then, there came a point in time where I needed to make big decisions for myself. I took great control over my college search process, something I am very proud of, and ensured that wherever I ended up, I would be happy. I also got my license in the spring, and now drive everywhere. I was working on myself and my future, yet I felt lonely. I had friends, but I tended to prioritize them and they didn't prioritize me. I kept putting in more and more effort in hopes it would reciprocate. It didn't. And they never told me why or what I did wrong to deserve that. 

Once we went back full-time in April/May, I got really close with my friends in the other cohort. In fact, this year I learned what true friendship really is. The small group that I hang out with now has so much love, kindness, and care and we lift each other up to accomplish our goals. We laugh a lot, and we realized that we don't need a big group of people to make us happy. I am so lucky that we got close this year, and even though people always talk behind your back, we have each other to keep going. True friends are proud of you and encourage self-growth. And that's what we do. 

2021 doesn't feel like the end of anything. No new beginnings. My new beginnings happened throughout the year. Senior year was a new beginning. Maneuvering around the social groups of senior year was a new beginning. This year, I am setting boundaries for myself and focusing on the things I love. I am so tired of being mad and angry at the world, so I choose to love this year. I am choosing to love myself. 

wasted energy:)

     It's been harder to be productive now that the weather is colder and it gets darker so early. I've just been so tired lately, yet I keep going to keep my spirits up. Lately, I have been thinking about how my life is right now and realized that I was going and going for months on end, and now that Marching Band is over, everything feels still. I can stop grinding as hard as I was, but it feels weird. 

Sometimes, you get so caught up in the game and the next thing, that you forget about yourself and everything you have. High school sucks. It really does. I mean, look back at all of these posts from freshman year. There was a lot of tangible loss and intangible gain. I've lost close friends, but I've gained confidence. I think as people we forget about the gain and just focus on the negative. We have all lost a lot these past years, especially from covid. But we've also gained. 

When we got the email saying the school was going to be closed for 2 weeks, I was finally added to the friend group chat. I've been friends with some of those girls since, and have the best time with them. Granted, this group chat has changed a few times since then, but my bond with these girls gives me so much joy. 

Being in the alpha grade at school has been fun considering I get to see my sister in the hallway and I have handshakes with 3 freshmen. I think sometimes power can get to people's heads. I mean, you see it in high school movies all the time. I listen to mean girls the musical constantly oops. It really hit me today that it's so much easier to be nice than be the mean senior, even if that's the person people want you to be. High school is filled with so much hate. A lot of people don't realize. It's not physical for the most part, but it's all the trash-talking behind people's backs. The "he said" "she said" is how information travels, and you just pray that they aren't talking about you. Kids literally hate others solely because of what they hear which is actual BS. I've learned to just ignore what people say and because of that I've made friends with someone I didn't think I would. 

If you listen to the people talking about you, you become a bad person. I've learned that the hard way. These past few months, I've felt like such a shitty person, but then I realized I am not the bad guy. If I had a conflict with someone, I would speak to them directly and privately, but the people talking about me don't want to do that. With all that hate in high school, I am focusing on the people that bring joy and don't gossip and hate others solely because of what they have heard about them. 

There are so many things that bring me joy, and instead of focusing on tangible and intangible hate, I am going to focus on love and happiness. 

*the title is based off of Wasted Energy by Alicia Keys*

"don't be mad, I found a brand new kind of free:" Start of the Senior Season

 It's funny how much has changed from when I started this. 4th Grade Ariana Writes was filled with articles I would write for the school newspaper (that was a nickel) and English assignments I did well on. Ah, I will never forget my spring cleaning article. Now, this has become an outlet for my struggles and accomplishments. I would post so much more, but honestly, it terrifies me. Being vulnerable is a scary thing, but I know how much it helps me in the end. 

Speaking of the end, I've reached my final year of high school. To be blunt, I'm not scared. I came into senior year with a solid group of friends by my side and our freshmen siblings. I am a different girl from when I started high school. I was a strong people pleaser who self-deprecated and let her anxiety control her. I've learned that people who aren't living my life should not dictate what I do in my life. I learned that with effort, commitment, and time, you can build lasting relationships. I never would've expected my friend group to be so small, but I couldn't ask for a better group of girls. We are the main characters in our story, as we should be. 

I want to bring this post back to the hero's journey, something I learned in freshman year English class that is one of my first posts. It is a cycle, with the plot and character development that leads to a new understanding of life, something I tend to write about often on my blog. I was talking to a friend today and I said, "this is the start of a new season in the show called life." This statement really resonated with me. We have our fair share of conflict and plot twists, but that's what life is. As long as you come out alive and learned something new, you will succeed. The season may have ended with bleacher painting, but our new season is just around the corner. This time with a new set of characters:)

I found my sense of worth. That was my atonement. I learned how much I matter and to not base my validity on people. I deserve to take space in this world and grab hold of every obstacle in my way. I'm still learning to ask for help and trust the other person in helping me, but I have gotten a lot better. I ask my parents for help with college stuff and I appreciate all the help they've given me, even though I did the search process all by myself. It is such a good feeling to wake up and remember that I am wanted in this world. I feel so empowered and it brings myself and others up. Whether I am at band practice or work or school, I have such a positive outlook on life and radiate my positivity.

*the title is from Brand New Me by Alicia Keys*

"yes i was burned but I called it a lesson learned": What I've Learned During my Junior Year

 It's been a while since I have written. I do typically write a lot, whether that is poems, vignettes, or just a free write, but I haven't done any of that in so long. I've been busy, but I need this form of release. It does make me happy. 

It's the end of my junior year. I survived my hopefully last year of hybrid learning and mask-wearing. All I can think about is how I am going to be a senior next year and that I may finally have a prom and get to do all the exciting senior activities. But it hit me a couple days ago that I haven't had a normal school year since I was a freshman. Even marching band hasn't been normal since freshman year, because we had the EEE mosquito threat during the fall of my sophomore year. I feel like I am growing up so fast, yet on the pace at the same time. I'm driving now (whaaaaaat I know) and it feels good having that sense of independence. I am really excited to be more independent when I go to college, but I am still enjoying being a high school teen. 

I am very self-aware. I am proud of myself for that. I gained a sense of identity this year, mainly by being able to step back because of the quarantine. I also gained a sense of worth and know that I matter:). Even though I haven't been with many of my Armenian friends, I've still been in touch with my roots and work hard at the school to make sure our voices get heard. I did a lot for the Armenian Club this year and I am proud. 

I also have used music to let out my emotions. I hide how I truly feel, but music has allowed me to feel emotions and find lyrics that resonate with me. The lyric in the title is from Lesson Learned by Alicia Keys. The way she sings is so tranquil yet loud at the same time. Her word choice and long notes make you feel her screaming and longing, and it's comforting to me. I was supposed to see her this summer on her tour, but she postponed it again. Check that one off the list of what isn't happening this summer:/. Machine Gun Kelly's music, which at first I wasn't a fan of, is actually screaming. Because I don't play soccer anymore, I haven't had a chance to verbally yell, and I didn't realize it had an effect on me before. When I listen to pop-rock, I feel like it is letting my anger out for me. I have many funny named playlists that make me feel different things. my Spotify is arianahov if you wanna check them out:)

I've learned, and am still learning, to be ok with change. It's hard but I know I am not the only one. Covid was a struggle for me socially, especially because understanding the tones of text messages can be confusing. I also just missed people. There were so many people I still haven't seen in years, as well as people who needed a mental break from phones and social media, including me. Going back to school fully in April was overwhelming for me at first because it was so loud and there were suddenly all these people in my classes. Now, I love it. I've learned everything is temporary, both good and bad. Things will get better, but not forever because you need a new challenge to overcome. 

a year of covid

 It's been over a year since lockdown. Since all of a sudden, our lives were suddenly ripped from us. One year ago, the things that used to identify us no longer did. 

It's crazy to think a year ago, I was a sophomore, student-athlete, and effortlessly grinding all of my homework. When we found out we'd have 2 weeks off from school, my friends were jokingly planning a "corona sleepover" so we could "quarantine" together. We all were aching for a break from all the stress and work, and we felt so lucky we could relax. Now it's been over a year, and we all want a break from hybrid learning. 

There are things that haven't changed though. I was struggling with my mental health and self-care. The difference between then and now is that I've learned more information about it and I actually had hope for the better. It is so hard to hope for good things when every day is the exact same and there isn't much to do about it. I know I'm not the only one who feels like this, and I want to let everyone know they aren't alone. 

Life is hard. It's hard to open up to people, especially writing these blog posts. It's hard to feel motivated to do simple tasks and things that were so easy to do pre-covid seem so much harder. It's hard to want to reach out to people because every day is the same and my social skills are outta wack. We just got used to online learning, and suddenly we're going back fully to school in a few weeks. This stuff is hard. 

I've also felt a lot of unworthiness lately. The Armenian Club at my school has been working hard to show awareness to Armenia and Artsakh. After lots of roadblocks, we were able to put up QR codes with links full of information. We pushed for genocide education, but the Massachusetts curriculum guidelines do not have Armenian Genocide education. It sucks feeling like my school and state don't care about me or my people, and I haven't seen most of my Armenian friends for over a year. 

Despite all of these shitty feelings, I am trying to feel better. I had to do an English project where I picked up a habit and wrote daily logs about how it made me feel, what did I accomplish, etc. I wanted to give myself more "me" time. It felt so good and relieving to write out everything, and I continue to do this project even though it was already graded. I came out a little more confident which is something I am trying to work on. 

I'm trying. I am so burnt out with all of the schoolwork, sat, driving, work, and college stuff I have to do, but I am trying. That's all I can do. It might not work, but at least I can say I put in the effort before giving up and shutting down, something that happens more often than not. 

apology to myself

 These past few weeks have been challenging for me. My motivation for schoolwork is at an all-time low which I hate, but school during the pandemic is so hard. Some days I'm super anxious, some days sad, some days super happy and productive, and some days I just want to lie in bed all day. I know its not just me who is struggling right now, just know I am praying for each and every one of you. 

My screen time has also been very high because I spend my days face timing friends, doing homework, and scrolling endlessly through Instagram. Even though Instagram (and Social Media in general) is hella toxic, I actually do find myself getting helpful advice here and there. I follow some inspirational people, including this woman named Deanna Giuliletti, who makes tiktoks of her ootd (oo ta dah's) and encourages body positivity. I follow people that give advice on healthy eating, reminders to drink water and stop scrolling, and even some that help with procrastination. Yesterday, I saw a tiktok/reel that said "Writing Prompt: Write an Apology Letter to Yourself". I wanted to try it and here it is:

Dear me,

I'm sorry I don't always take care of you as much as I should. I'm sorry I yell at you when you make mistakes. I'm sorry I haven't always loved you. I want to and will love you forever. I'm sorry that I lost our confidence as I grew up. It's coming back even though people tend to bring it down. Let's get stronger together now. I'm proud of you.

             Lots of Love, Ariana