the strength i find in my writing

 This past week has been tough. I feel weak and I am trying to regain my strength. Writing makes me feel more powerful, so I will be typing out this blog post to hopefully feel stronger by the end of it. I was hit with a lot of important events within a few days, and my mind hasn't caught up. It's hard because I want to keep going and be more attentive in my life and in the present, but I can't wrap my head around everything that's happened. 

I have so much fight in me. I get up every day. I make good choices. I try to be happy every single day, but it's soooo draining because I'm not ok. And I know that this is ok. You can't be happy every day. I got this feelings app that my best friend told me about where you do checkins throughout the day and it sends a notification to your friends on how you're feeling. It's been nice to be able to checkin on my friends, as well as getting texts to make sure I am ok. 

Things are challenging. I never expected my college experience to end up how it has so far. It's bittersweet. I never expected to have my roommate move out after one month of being on campus or joining the rugby team, but I'm glad they happened. It taught me so much socially along with how much I learn academically in classes. I've learned so much so far, so I guess I did expect some part of my college experience to be true. I've met so many new types of people here and it's fascinating to me to hear people's stories and how similar and different our lives were. 

The amount of independence is something I expected and was actually something I was excited for my life to be on my schedule only. It's been great having all of this time and living based on my plans, but a small part of me kinda hates it. I don't ask for help as often as I should. Sometimes it's hard for me to do things like vacuum or something without being asked to. And now that I live alone in my room, besides my suitemates, I'm not really asked to do anything. Because I'm so burnt out, I don't always get things done that I need to. I'm procrastinating as we speak. 

Now this is not an invitation to text me to do things because I will block your number. Once I find my strength again, I will be fine. Going home this weekend was really helpful, and I will be home again soon for Thanksgiving which is giving me motivation to keep going. I just gotta keep fighting. 

I'm really proud of myself that I am able to put my feelings to words. That I am able to share these feelings publicly, even the ugly ones. It is not easy to go through the shit that has been thrown at me this past week, but I am. Even if I'm feeling low and unfocused (currently labeled my emotion in the low energy unpleasant category as disengaged), I am still getting through my days. Now that I am able to make my feelings clearer and "unfog" my brain, I feel a lot better about myself and confident that I can get what I need to done even if it's not in the ideal timeline. I believe writing is my superpower because I feel stronger than I did before writing this blog post. 

the end of the 2021 season

 As you may know, every year I do what I call my Happy Slips. Every night before I go to bed, I wrote down something that made me happy, and at the end of the year, I open the box and see what a happy year I had. I didn't do many this year because hybrid learning took a toll on me, along with other challenges I faced. There were months where I was miserable, but there were also months I felt like I was on cloud nine. 

I noticed that the first half of the year (the end of my junior year) I was a completely different person. I latched onto friendships because of the lack of people in my classes and my cohort. I followed people because I was scared that people wouldn't follow me if I was myself. But then, there came a point in time where I needed to make big decisions for myself. I took great control over my college search process, something I am very proud of, and ensured that wherever I ended up, I would be happy. I also got my license in the spring, and now drive everywhere. I was working on myself and my future, yet I felt lonely. I had friends, but I tended to prioritize them and they didn't prioritize me. I kept putting in more and more effort in hopes it would reciprocate. It didn't. And they never told me why or what I did wrong to deserve that. 

Once we went back full-time in April/May, I got really close with my friends in the other cohort. In fact, this year I learned what true friendship really is. The small group that I hang out with now has so much love, kindness, and care and we lift each other up to accomplish our goals. We laugh a lot, and we realized that we don't need a big group of people to make us happy. I am so lucky that we got close this year, and even though people always talk behind your back, we have each other to keep going. True friends are proud of you and encourage self-growth. And that's what we do. 

2021 doesn't feel like the end of anything. No new beginnings. My new beginnings happened throughout the year. Senior year was a new beginning. Maneuvering around the social groups of senior year was a new beginning. This year, I am setting boundaries for myself and focusing on the things I love. I am so tired of being mad and angry at the world, so I choose to love this year. I am choosing to love myself. 

a year of covid

 It's been over a year since lockdown. Since all of a sudden, our lives were suddenly ripped from us. One year ago, the things that used to identify us no longer did. 

It's crazy to think a year ago, I was a sophomore, student-athlete, and effortlessly grinding all of my homework. When we found out we'd have 2 weeks off from school, my friends were jokingly planning a "corona sleepover" so we could "quarantine" together. We all were aching for a break from all the stress and work, and we felt so lucky we could relax. Now it's been over a year, and we all want a break from hybrid learning. 

There are things that haven't changed though. I was struggling with my mental health and self-care. The difference between then and now is that I've learned more information about it and I actually had hope for the better. It is so hard to hope for good things when every day is the exact same and there isn't much to do about it. I know I'm not the only one who feels like this, and I want to let everyone know they aren't alone. 

Life is hard. It's hard to open up to people, especially writing these blog posts. It's hard to feel motivated to do simple tasks and things that were so easy to do pre-covid seem so much harder. It's hard to want to reach out to people because every day is the same and my social skills are outta wack. We just got used to online learning, and suddenly we're going back fully to school in a few weeks. This stuff is hard. 

I've also felt a lot of unworthiness lately. The Armenian Club at my school has been working hard to show awareness to Armenia and Artsakh. After lots of roadblocks, we were able to put up QR codes with links full of information. We pushed for genocide education, but the Massachusetts curriculum guidelines do not have Armenian Genocide education. It sucks feeling like my school and state don't care about me or my people, and I haven't seen most of my Armenian friends for over a year. 

Despite all of these shitty feelings, I am trying to feel better. I had to do an English project where I picked up a habit and wrote daily logs about how it made me feel, what did I accomplish, etc. I wanted to give myself more "me" time. It felt so good and relieving to write out everything, and I continue to do this project even though it was already graded. I came out a little more confident which is something I am trying to work on. 

I'm trying. I am so burnt out with all of the schoolwork, sat, driving, work, and college stuff I have to do, but I am trying. That's all I can do. It might not work, but at least I can say I put in the effort before giving up and shutting down, something that happens more often than not. 

Stressing and Purel Obsessing

Wow. This month has been a year. It feels weird to be living like I'm in a history textbook. I wish I could give insight on how to be okay and calm during the coronavirus quarantine, but I can't. I'm stressed, and I have been for a while.
It's weird having every single part of your routine just taken away from you so suddenly. Everyone lost some event they wanted already, like a sweet 16, musical, band concert, sports tournaments, jobs, school, just to name a few. It's been scary. I've made routines and daily objectives that ease some stress.
I've realized that I like having control in my life, and this virus takes away a lot of my control. In a virtual ACYOA (youth group) ZOOM call, we talked about things we are able to controls and things we cant. We should not stress about the things we cannot control, yet I do. A lot. I stress a lot about things I cannot control, and sometimes I can't stop. I call it spiraling. But, when you step back and enjoy life's moments the spiraling stops.
Now, this is harder to do being quarantined because I can't just go outside or really get "me" time. Everyone is in the house at the same time, and as an active family, I find this not normal and stressful. I have been cooped up in my room for the most part cause I just want to breathe and relax by myself.
This new life is different, but with time I know, it will become a new normal and not freak me out.
I know there are many people out there just like me, worrying about the future and surviving and doing the right thing. To those people, look outside and around at your life right now, Notice the gifts of life and God bestowed upon us. Listen to the hum of people at home and music and noise coming from technology. There's a song that's been in my head all day called The Life by Alicia Keys. Highly recommend. That's what I'm listening to:). Hold on to the people that matter to you the most. And wash those hands.

Overcoming the Obstacles of Life

Getting over someone or something is a very difficult thing to do sometimes. I have realized that it is apart of your life journey. It is difficult to depart from a friend or beloved item. That is what I have learned from my high school journey so far. Leaving some of my middle school friends has been very hard for me, some harder than others, but I know it was for the right cause.  

Life is tough. Every day there are new challenges that one must overcome. It might be rushing to finish an assignment you didn't think was due or dealing with friend drama, or simply just finding time for doing the things you love. With all of these after-school activities and homework, it can be hard to find time to read a book, go outside, etc.

This year I made a pact to myself to do at least one thing that isn't school related before I go to sleep to help relieve stress. This could be something as simple as organizing a drawer, reading a chapter in a book, praying to God, or even just picking up the stuff on my bedroom floor. So far, it has worked pretty well. I like thinking, "You accomplished something today" and has been promoting a kinder mindset in general. I highly recommend doing this if you ever feel anxious about anything.

This past few weeks have been more stressful than I anticipated. It felt like I got handed a HUGE pile of laundry to sort through all at once. The high school has been more manageable for me since then, and I am very grateful for that.

The challenges of your everyday life may seem tough at the time, but it is nothing you can't handle. Just take a deep breath and break down your problem. I believe in you.

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