Thursday, January 9, 2020

Healing and Finding My Fire

Lately, I have been thinking about my life and growth. I mean, I always do, but this time more positive. The main reason I started this blog (not the middle school phase but the high school update) was to share my learning experiences and spread kindness and positivity. I lost sight of that, but I am excited to get back on track and share some things I have planned for myself.

As I mentioned in my last post (which side note, I normally write a blog post once a month, and my New Years Resolution is to write more, so go me!) I hid a lot of the stress I had from my friends. I knew it was bad, but I didn't want to be a burden or problematic. And trust me, I know that sounds stupid, but my friend group have been besties since elementary school, and I'm still kinda new to the group. But I talk to them more now, and they are so kind and fun to be around. And now it feels more like a two-way friendship which is a great feeling:)

At the end of last year, I really didn't think I'd ever find people that made me as happy and carefree as he did. I always would tell myself "Heart of Stone" over and over again because I was never going to let anyone into my heart again. But building those walls never helped me. I was just as stressed as I used to be. And I now know that I am a much happier person when I let down my walls. Writing helps me let down those walls, too, which is another reason I will keep writing blog posts. I also still do my happy things of the day:).

I'm also starting to find My Fire again. To me, My Fire is the fuel of my self-confidence and self-love that comes from my heart. I wrote a vignette about it last year that, if people want to read, I can put up.  Ever since finding it, I know it is always there. Sometimes, I just lose sight of it. If you guys have something like My Fire in your lives, please share! I'd love to hear about it:).

Next weekend, I am going to see some of my favorite people in the world, and I am so excited to see them in person. It's been a while. And after that, I'll have my midterm exams. My grades aren't as good as they used to be when I was younger, but my classes are getting more challenging so we will see how things go. Keep being yourself! :)

Wednesday, January 1, 2020

This is 2019

2019 was a rollercoaster, I'm not gonna lie. But, I had such an amazing year despite the hardships. I learned a lot about myself and I would really like to share my year and how I've learned and changed.

Also, this year I pushed myself to do this thing I called "My Happy Slips" or "My Happy Thing Of The Day". Every night before I went to bed, I would write something that made me happy that day. After reading every single one I did this year today, I realized they were typically having deep conversations with people, a moment that happened that day, self-care, or a revelation of something in the future. By doing these, I was less anxious before going to bed and went to sleep thinking about things that made me happy. I highly recommend that you guys try something like this in your daily lives. You'll realize that you are a much happier and positive person because of it. 

Most of my January ones were related to having midterms for the first time in my high school career.  I was nervous because I didn't know what to expect. I used to be scared of not being fully prepared and worked my butt off to get what I considered good grades. Now I still try, but accept myself more if I mess up or don't get my desired grade on a test. 

February was a rough month for me. I sprained a ligament in my left ankle due to indoor soccer and had crutches and a boot for 2 months. I will never forget the nights I would wake every hour because my boot was so uncomfortable. I also had a lot of friendship stress that I had been hiding from everyone because I used to be uncomfortable speaking my opinion in case someone didn't believe in it. I know now that I need to believe in myself and am still working on that to this day. 

March was also a sad month, for me and my peers. In March, a boy in my grade named Tyler Greene killed himself. I remember the dullness in the hallways and in people's eyes. I remember the pain that it caused the school, both people who knew him and those who didn't. I ended a relationship in March as well. I was broken as well as most of the people around me. But endings mean new beginnings. 

April was my healing month. At the beginning of April, I started PT and walking without a boot on. I was so relieved to be myself again. In April, I started realizing the things that hurt me and became closer with some of my friends. Also in April, I began to play soccer again. This month also sparked my need to love myself. 

May was my health month. I started dieting and learning about my identity even more. I stopped hiding temporarily and was vocal about me being happy and my opinions. We did a vignette project in English. Vignettes are very detailed small pieces of imagery. I wrote my favorite piece of writing ever called "My Fire". "My Fire" describes the feeling I felt within when I started loving myself and building my confidence. I lost 6 pounds in May from the diet and working out. I was able to fit into the dress I wanted to wear for Sports Weekend, and to me, that was one of my favorite moments of this year.

June was also a good month for me. I did have my first ever finals, but I did fine. My freshman year was finally over. My summer soccer clinics for the high school team started in June too. There isn't much to say about June. I had fun. I was happy.

To me, July is "camp month". I go to an Armenian sleepaway camp for 2 weeks which is my favorite part of the whole year. This year, my group was the oldest girl group which is fun. Being the oldest means that we got to plan an evening activity for the campers which was my favorite part of camp. My CIT's and counselors were the best and my entire group really bonded with each other. My counselors did this box activity where we could write down a question and put it in a box, and then they would pick it and answer it. It made me feel like I had a big sister and I learned a lot.

August was my birthday month, but also one of my toughest months. I made the worst high school soccer team and cried for days because I felt like I wasn't good enough. All of my "friends" made the better team, and it was rough to see all of my friendships with these people drift away, especially one in particular.

To me, September was a new beginning. I started sophomore year. I put effort into my friendships. I got to see all my friends that I didn't get a chance to hang out with all summer. I'm taking Chemistry and high honors English (Level 5) which was exciting and a new challenge. As for soccer, I became the captain of the team I was on and started to bond a little with my teammates. One of them is now one of my best friends:). Even though I wasn't happy being on the team, I still worked hard and tried to have some fun.

October was a fun month. My friends started making plans with me and we all went to screamfest at Canobie Lake Park sometime in the fall. It was my first time and I am so excited to go back! I also focused more of my time into Marching Band because it brought me more joy than soccer did. We had 2 comps in October which are always exciting. I became a lot closer to those kids and had a lot of fun whenever I came to practice and Saturday games. I also had a Halloween party with all of my friends and we had such a great time.

November was not-so-fun. I left one of my closest friends. That was a really hard thing to got through because we had been best friends since we met. We are trying to fix things, but we both know it will never be the same. Algebra 2 and Spanish 4a became pretty difficult. I struggled a lot in math, and I am working hard in extra help and outside of school to understand the material. School is getting difficult for me, but I'm sure I'll get the hang of it again. However, I started going to church more and bonded with my friends there. We had a Lockin, which is a faith-building sleepover at the church that our youth group does twice a year. It was Christina's first one.

December wasn't a healing month like I had hoped, but I did learn a lot about myself. I learned that I hide a lot of me because I am afraid of what people think of me. I always think that people hate me so that if they actually do I don't get my heart broken. I learned that I can't rely on other people for happiness. I learned that I need to stop hiding and protecting my heart. I need to learn to say no as well. I also realized that my friends will always be there for me and that they actually care about me. These girls were friends since elementary school, so I'm relatively new in the group. I used to feel left out sometimes, but in December they really made me feel like I belonged and that they want me in their group. I am so lucky to have finally found good friends this year.

So yes, 2019 had its challenges and lots of tears, but I learned so much about myself and I am so excited to see what 2020 and this new decade presents:)


Sunday, November 24, 2019

Fake Personas and Fears

Hi. It's been a while. A lot has been going on and I wanted to share it with people. Honestly, I feel kinda weird typing this right now because I almost feel like I can't. I am a new person than I was before. And I know that it's okay and encouraged that I grow and change as a person. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that I am a changing person and can flow with the times, it just feels different than when I used to write these.

A big issue that I am having from being a 15-year old teenager is the fact that I care way too much about what people think of me and how I am perceived by everyone. I love myself, but I am still afraid of other people not liking me. I tend to put up a fake persona sometimes because I want people to like me. My real friends know and like both "sides" of me and honestly, I think a lot of them do the same thing. In my heart, however, I always know the real me.

I mean everyone wants to belong, right? Everyone wants to "fit in" and be wanted and loved. I certainly do. In fact, being forgotten and unwanted is my biggest fear. I know I'll always have God by my side, but I still get so scared that one day everyone is going to turn on me and hurt me and that I'll die alone.

I am afraid of being on the list of dead people during the hokehankist (a part in the Armenian Church Divine Liturgy that commemorates the deceased people in the church from that week) and nobody knowing who I am. Just another person on the list and everyone just waiting for the church service to end. And then everyone will file out and go to fellowship hour and not even realize that my name was said and even who I am.

And yes, I am aware that I of all people should not be worried about dying but I still do. I worry about everything. I call it spiraling. Spiraling is when I keep stressing all at once and I just can't stop overthinking. This week, I did a lot of spiraling. I am okay now. This week was just a rough one, but I got through it. It's a new start. It's a new week.

I also want to ask that for Thanksgiving, be thankful for everyone and everything around you. We live too much in the future and don't focus on what we have right now. So please, focus on how amazing your life is because there is good in everything:)

Friday, September 20, 2019

Sophomore Year- The Beginning

Hi World. Wow, a lot has gone on and there is too much to explain. But my sophomore year has started off and I am enjoying it. Yeah, there is work, but I don't really mind that. I always tend to care about the social aspect of school. 

I made JV B for soccer. The worst team. So that wrecked a lot of my confidence going into sophomore year. And that sucks. It was probably the worst thing I went through in my life. And I'm still upset about it. But I am trying to make the best out of the situation, even though it tears me like paper when I see all my friends on JV A wearing their jerseys. 

I really enjoy starting high school with a solid group of friends. They actually care about me and give me energy and laughter for days:). I'm getting closer to each one individually too which makes me feel less like I'm out of the circle. I really love them<3. And I bet only a few will even read this, but if they do hey cutie:)

Since soccer doesn't bring me the joy that it used to, I've been really trying to be closer with my marching band friends and the group. I hated it last year because I felt so unwanted. But this year, everyone is so much fun to hang out with. 

So, sophomore year has been good so far. But recently I've been torn of who I want to be. I feel like I pretend to be the person I want to be on the outside, but on the inside, I am totally different. Only my really close friends notice, but its been bothering me. Changing your identity is a hard thing to, I learned because you can change yourself but not how people perceive you. I have yet to come to terms with that though. Because people might think that I am different than I actually am and I want them to know I am not like that. And I also know that changing people's opinions of me is not my job and that I should just let God and themselves come to whatever conclusion they want. Now I am just gonna be the me that I want to be. A mix of the two. 

Monday, June 17, 2019

Rollercoasters and The Hero's Journey

Freshman year has been a rollercoaster. A bumpy rollercoaster filled with loops and turns. But the funny thing about rollercoasters is that they'll always end and most of the time you come off smiling because you did it. You survived the rollercoaster.

I have learned so much this past year. I am shocked that I even made it. I've met friends that I hope to keep forever. Some have been in my school system for years, and some that have been constantly moving because they are military kids. I love them all so much and I am so glad to share this high school experience with them. 

We learned about this narrative arc in English class called the hero's journey. It starts with a call or desire that the hero has. Then, they cross the threshold, which can be physical or emotional. Then there are the challenges the hero must face. During the challenges, the hero typically meets a mentor or a guide that helps them along their journey. And then there is the abyss which is the greatest challenge. The revelation, or turning point, that the hero comes to face with can happen before, during, or after the abyss. And then the final parts are the atonement which is coming to terms with your new revelation and growing from it and the gift which is what the hero brings back to his/her society.

 Image result for hero's journey archetype
Ever since learning that, I tend to base my journeys on this archetype. I tend to write my blog posts about my atonement because I like talking about my growth. My gift is my writing and love for the world. I have many helpers along the way which are you guys.

I think that everyone goes on journeys. Everyone grows from mistakes and change. That's a big thing I have learned this year. I've grown mentally and emotionally this past year and I am excited (and nervous) for what the future holds.

So yeah, enjoy the rollercoaster. Yeah, you might hate it, but in the end, you will grow. 

Monday, June 3, 2019

Survey Answers

Hi! Here are my answers to the questions that I have asked all of you. If you still want to contribute, go to my post titled, "My survey"
What is your way of coping with others that bother you, are mean to you, etc?
I talk to them about it. Sometimes people are just stressed and need somebody to listen, or didn't even realize they hurt you.
How do you manage stress with school or work?
 Lists! I prioritize, add times, and set alarms for breaks. Sometimes it is effective, other times not.
What are some things that have shaped you to become the person you are today? Bullet, please.

  • Toxic friendships
  • ACYOA, church, and camp
  • Soccer/being injured
  • My surroundings/people I surround myself with
  • This blog!
  • 6th grade (and 8th grade) English teacher(s) 
  • High School in general

What are some things that you need to work on?
 I need to work on allowing myself to speak up when something is bothering me and allowing myself to feel emotions. Like I always feel like I can't get upset over things because other people are also hurt. Also, I want to go outside more and be more mindful!
What motivates you?
 Hmm... my craving to succeed in life and its challenges. Also, my sisters and close friends and family who want me to succeed.
What is your star/zodiac sign? Do you believe in them?
I am a Virgo. I do believe in aspects of it and enjoy the fact that I am apart of a bigger community with similar characteristics. I don't believe that certain couples are "better" or "more compatible" than others because your birthday should not have anything to do with that.
What is your biggest fear?
Not being wanted or remembered.
What is your biggest accomplishment?
Hmm...I think my biggest accomplishment is being proud of who I am and loving myself.
What is a dream you have for the future?
I want to have a family and make people feel loved.
Who inspires you and why?
There is a lot :) My dad, my mom, my Auntie Lily, my friends, my sisters, my coaches, etc. All of you guys inspire me to share my feelings because you all seem to care.
What is something that has been hard for you to accept?
It has been hard for me to accept the fact that there are people in the world that don't want to change and want to bring me down. 

Friday, May 10, 2019

Self-Love and True Friends

This week was one of my best weeks during my freshman year so far. There were a lot of little moments that made me beam as bright as the warm sun that decided to come out this week. I will mention some below:

Being inactive for two months because of a strained ligament in my ankle has made me out of shape. For weeks now I have been so frustrated in myself that I can't run as fast as my club soccer friends or fit into spring clothes I have been aching to wear.  It used to make me so mad that I could push myself and make me run 2 miles on the bike path, but not see results. But then last weekend, as I was running my 2 miles, I realized that your brain and mindset have to change. Ignoring things that bother you, or thinking about them too much makes me feel worse. I thought "Ariana, you have to not only focus on the positive but not ignore the negative. Let it consume you for a couple hours, and then move on. " And ever since that run, I have been doing just that.

I normally go to school in a different sweatshirt and leggings combo every day. But this week it was warm enough to wear short-sleeved shirts, and even the new jean shorts I bought. I wore cute outfits and did my makeup. I made myself look like the queen I felt on the inside. It might've been a bit extra, but I did not care. It made me feel good. People complimented me, and I accepted them instead of rejecting them as I used to. I even got my eyebrows waxed again because it makes me feel less like a monster.

I know dressing up for school and such is not something I need to do to be accepted or anything, it is just simply what I wanted to do. And I haven't truly done something for me in a long time.

I was debating whether to add this, but I think it is a crucial point as to why I am happier. A couple of days ago, I reconnected with someone whom I haven't spoken to in 2 months. There were things I needed to get off my chest and things that I needed this person to know. And I am so glad that we did. We sorted a lot of unsaid things between us, and that overall has made me less stressed and happier that I know this person is in a better place since I last talked to them. I am not sure if said person reads these, but if they do, thank you.

There are quotes and sayings I come across from time to time. There is a specific one that has really stuck to me. It is, "You can't wish it to be true. You have to work it to be true." I feel like this quote has really stuck to me, especially in soccer this past week. I really don't want to sound like I am bragging, but one of my coaches who doesn't normally give out compliments said something to me this week that made me really happy. She told my team that I was the loudest and most aggressive on the field. She also asked me in front of my teammates, "Ariana are you the fastest on the team?" and I said, "Hell no!" and then she asked, "Are you the most aggressive?" and I replied, "yes coach." Even though others may not agree, it felt good to know I was the best at something. It made me feel so good about myself that my hard work does pay off, that I didn't really care about the negativity from some of my teammates. Well, that's kinda a lie- I did cry, but then I moved on. I was so happy about being good at something that I didn't want to focus on the negative stuff.

The last one I will mention is the one that not only made me happy but made others happy too. I texted some of my friends a message about being happy and thankful that they were apart of my lives and my journey. Some of them actually cried not even joking. Some were so happy that I was growing and working hard to accomplish my goals. I am literally getting teary-eyed just typing about how much I love them. But I really do want them to be the best they can be and grow into the people they want to see in the world.

*I really wanted to put this out, but do not worry I will put my answers to the survey up soon:)  If you did not take it, check my last post if you would like! Thank you to all of those who responded I really loved reading your responses!*