"don't be mad, I found a brand new kind of free:" Start of the Senior Season

 It's funny how much has changed from when I started this. 4th Grade Ariana Writes was filled with articles I would write for the school newspaper (that was a nickel) and English assignments I did well on. Ah, I will never forget my spring cleaning article. Now, this has become an outlet for my struggles and accomplishments. I would post so much more, but honestly, it terrifies me. Being vulnerable is a scary thing, but I know how much it helps me in the end. 

Speaking of the end, I've reached my final year of high school. To be blunt, I'm not scared. I came into senior year with a solid group of friends by my side and our freshmen siblings. I am a different girl from when I started high school. I was a strong people pleaser who self-deprecated and let her anxiety control her. I've learned that people who aren't living my life should not dictate what I do in my life. I learned that with effort, commitment, and time, you can build lasting relationships. I never would've expected my friend group to be so small, but I couldn't ask for a better group of girls. We are the main characters in our story, as we should be. 

I want to bring this post back to the hero's journey, something I learned in freshman year English class that is one of my first posts. It is a cycle, with the plot and character development that leads to a new understanding of life, something I tend to write about often on my blog. I was talking to a friend today and I said, "this is the start of a new season in the show called life." This statement really resonated with me. We have our fair share of conflict and plot twists, but that's what life is. As long as you come out alive and learned something new, you will succeed. The season may have ended with bleacher painting, but our new season is just around the corner. This time with a new set of characters:)

I found my sense of worth. That was my atonement. I learned how much I matter and to not base my validity on people. I deserve to take space in this world and grab hold of every obstacle in my way. I'm still learning to ask for help and trust the other person in helping me, but I have gotten a lot better. I ask my parents for help with college stuff and I appreciate all the help they've given me, even though I did the search process all by myself. It is such a good feeling to wake up and remember that I am wanted in this world. I feel so empowered and it brings myself and others up. Whether I am at band practice or work or school, I have such a positive outlook on life and radiate my positivity.

*the title is from Brand New Me by Alicia Keys*

"yes i was burned but I called it a lesson learned": What I've Learned During my Junior Year

 It's been a while since I have written. I do typically write a lot, whether that is poems, vignettes, or just a free write, but I haven't done any of that in so long. I've been busy, but I need this form of release. It does make me happy. 

It's the end of my junior year. I survived my hopefully last year of hybrid learning and mask-wearing. All I can think about is how I am going to be a senior next year and that I may finally have a prom and get to do all the exciting senior activities. But it hit me a couple days ago that I haven't had a normal school year since I was a freshman. Even marching band hasn't been normal since freshman year, because we had the EEE mosquito threat during the fall of my sophomore year. I feel like I am growing up so fast, yet on the pace at the same time. I'm driving now (whaaaaaat I know) and it feels good having that sense of independence. I am really excited to be more independent when I go to college, but I am still enjoying being a high school teen. 

I am very self-aware. I am proud of myself for that. I gained a sense of identity this year, mainly by being able to step back because of the quarantine. I also gained a sense of worth and know that I matter:). Even though I haven't been with many of my Armenian friends, I've still been in touch with my roots and work hard at the school to make sure our voices get heard. I did a lot for the Armenian Club this year and I am proud. 

I also have used music to let out my emotions. I hide how I truly feel, but music has allowed me to feel emotions and find lyrics that resonate with me. The lyric in the title is from Lesson Learned by Alicia Keys. The way she sings is so tranquil yet loud at the same time. Her word choice and long notes make you feel her screaming and longing, and it's comforting to me. I was supposed to see her this summer on her tour, but she postponed it again. Check that one off the list of what isn't happening this summer:/. Machine Gun Kelly's music, which at first I wasn't a fan of, is actually screaming. Because I don't play soccer anymore, I haven't had a chance to verbally yell, and I didn't realize it had an effect on me before. When I listen to pop-rock, I feel like it is letting my anger out for me. I have many funny named playlists that make me feel different things. my Spotify is arianahov if you wanna check them out:)

I've learned, and am still learning, to be ok with change. It's hard but I know I am not the only one. Covid was a struggle for me socially, especially because understanding the tones of text messages can be confusing. I also just missed people. There were so many people I still haven't seen in years, as well as people who needed a mental break from phones and social media, including me. Going back to school fully in April was overwhelming for me at first because it was so loud and there were suddenly all these people in my classes. Now, I love it. I've learned everything is temporary, both good and bad. Things will get better, but not forever because you need a new challenge to overcome. 

a year of covid

 It's been over a year since lockdown. Since all of a sudden, our lives were suddenly ripped from us. One year ago, the things that used to identify us no longer did. 

It's crazy to think a year ago, I was a sophomore, student-athlete, and effortlessly grinding all of my homework. When we found out we'd have 2 weeks off from school, my friends were jokingly planning a "corona sleepover" so we could "quarantine" together. We all were aching for a break from all the stress and work, and we felt so lucky we could relax. Now it's been over a year, and we all want a break from hybrid learning. 

There are things that haven't changed though. I was struggling with my mental health and self-care. The difference between then and now is that I've learned more information about it and I actually had hope for the better. It is so hard to hope for good things when every day is the exact same and there isn't much to do about it. I know I'm not the only one who feels like this, and I want to let everyone know they aren't alone. 

Life is hard. It's hard to open up to people, especially writing these blog posts. It's hard to feel motivated to do simple tasks and things that were so easy to do pre-covid seem so much harder. It's hard to want to reach out to people because every day is the same and my social skills are outta wack. We just got used to online learning, and suddenly we're going back fully to school in a few weeks. This stuff is hard. 

I've also felt a lot of unworthiness lately. The Armenian Club at my school has been working hard to show awareness to Armenia and Artsakh. After lots of roadblocks, we were able to put up QR codes with links full of information. We pushed for genocide education, but the Massachusetts curriculum guidelines do not have Armenian Genocide education. It sucks feeling like my school and state don't care about me or my people, and I haven't seen most of my Armenian friends for over a year. 

Despite all of these shitty feelings, I am trying to feel better. I had to do an English project where I picked up a habit and wrote daily logs about how it made me feel, what did I accomplish, etc. I wanted to give myself more "me" time. It felt so good and relieving to write out everything, and I continue to do this project even though it was already graded. I came out a little more confident which is something I am trying to work on. 

I'm trying. I am so burnt out with all of the schoolwork, sat, driving, work, and college stuff I have to do, but I am trying. That's all I can do. It might not work, but at least I can say I put in the effort before giving up and shutting down, something that happens more often than not. 

apology to myself

 These past few weeks have been challenging for me. My motivation for schoolwork is at an all-time low which I hate, but school during the pandemic is so hard. Some days I'm super anxious, some days sad, some days super happy and productive, and some days I just want to lie in bed all day. I know its not just me who is struggling right now, just know I am praying for each and every one of you. 

My screen time has also been very high because I spend my days face timing friends, doing homework, and scrolling endlessly through Instagram. Even though Instagram (and Social Media in general) is hella toxic, I actually do find myself getting helpful advice here and there. I follow some inspirational people, including this woman named Deanna Giuliletti, who makes tiktoks of her ootd (oo ta dah's) and encourages body positivity. I follow people that give advice on healthy eating, reminders to drink water and stop scrolling, and even some that help with procrastination. Yesterday, I saw a tiktok/reel that said "Writing Prompt: Write an Apology Letter to Yourself". I wanted to try it and here it is:

Dear me,

I'm sorry I don't always take care of you as much as I should. I'm sorry I yell at you when you make mistakes. I'm sorry I haven't always loved you. I want to and will love you forever. I'm sorry that I lost our confidence as I grew up. It's coming back even though people tend to bring it down. Let's get stronger together now. I'm proud of you.

             Lots of Love, Ariana

corona be hitting different

Each Friday in English class, we have something called "Free Write Friday" where we take out a piece of paper and write out whatever comes into our brain for 10 mins. It's helped me so much to clear my brain, and I recommend you make time for it too. 

I know it's not just me, but once Daylight Savings Time comes and the sunsets at 3pm, my days feel suffocated. If I need to just take a break from things, I have fewer options cause you can't really go outside. I feel like my days are spent in my room, and it unsettles me. But this is how the world is right now. 

Zoom Fatigue is also a real struggle for me. On Wednesdays, I see all of my classes remotely, with 30 minutes each class. And damnnnn I'm tired after the second one! I hate staring at a screen all day, sometimes not even talking. I'm so thankful that I can go to school two days a week, for now. 

Another thing that's worn me out was seeing all the things going on in Artsakh and Armenia on all of my Armenian friend's Instagram stories. I tried taking a break, but I felt so guilty that I just stopped. I'm not gonna summarize it here, if you're curious, there are links and Instagram accounts below. If you want to donate, I'll also put the link to the Armenia Fund below. Anyway, it hurt seeing all the stories and young soldiers on the front lines. I've mainly stopped posting now because I'm tired of being sad all the time. I know they are struggling in Armenia, but I've done my part, and now it's in God's control. 

I wrote this to remind you guys that you aren't alone. Although you may feel it in these covid times, there are people in your life that care about you. Last night, I thought of all the people that care about me, and whose lives would be different without me. I wanted to tell people that they are loved no matter what flaws they have which is why I've stated some of mine. We aren't perfect, even if you strive to be as close as you can to perfect. But perfect doesn't exist. Ask yourself, "what's my perfect"  or "what's my expectations for myself" and you might realize that they aren't reachable. 

I hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving yesterday! I hope that everyone stayed safe and that this will be over soon:)

https://zartonkmedia.com/ 

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/azerbaijan-armenia-war-nagorno-karabakh-b1719814.html 

https://anca.org/

https://armeniafund.ejoinme.org/donate 

fun fact.

Identity. Who are you? It's a big theme this year in school. I think we're supposed to know who we are and what we are meant to be by the end of the year. I don't think that's possible, but fine here are some "fun facts" about me. 

I hate making decisions. I hate knowing that if I pick one thing over the other, that it could be wrong. That I could've ruined my life in one decision. I overthink the decision till my body shakes and brain spirals. I could be wrong. I can't be wrong. 

I am Armenian. As if you didn't already know. I don't shut up about it. I wear a cross and my name in Armenian around my neck everyday, just to flex and inform you. I do so many projects about the Armenian Genocide and my people because I know if I don't, nobody will ever know about us. And then Turkey would have won, and they do not get to win. 

My biggest fear is not belonging. But I guess that's not a fear cause its true. Nobody belongs. I've never "fit in" with any group, but does anyone? I think its all in our heads. We're just afraid that they won't accept us, when we need to accept ourselves first. So I guess my real big fear is not being able to have kids, but if anyone asks its spiders. 

But I know that this is not what you want to hear. "Hi I'm Ariana and I play the saxophone, I have 2 younger sisters, and I just got my permit". There. That's my identity for you summed up in three "fun facts". 

                                                This is my page for American Perspectives. 

"A Woman's Worth"

Hi. It's been a while. I know there's a lot going on, and I do want to talk about all of it, but honestly, it has been hard. For a while now, I've felt like I don't have a voice. I've been so overwhelmed with everything going on and it has created a huge writer's block. I know its a normal thing but damn it's hard. I have so many things I want to share and talk about, but it's so hard to put them on paper. Er, virtual paper?? I don't know what you'd call it.

Society belittles women. It's becoming more apparent now that I'm older. Society just trusts men more than women more which I find shocking. I don't like how men get to be more powerful all the time and how their opinions matter more than a female. Society just brushes our issues off their shoulders because they don't matter in their eyes. It's really frustrating! But since I feel like my opinion doesn't matter, I stay quiet. I feel like if I were to bring awareness to anything that I am not 100% passionate or knowledgeable about, somebody is just going to start a fight with me. And I try to avoid that as much as possible.

I'm not going to play soccer for high school or club anymore. Although I haven't been showing it, the decision was hard to make and it has been hard to move on. Soccer has been such an important part of my life since Kindergarten, but the politics and people stopped making it fun for me anymore. So I'm done.

A major thing I've learned recently is that fears are as big as you make them. If you obsess over your fears of what might happen, they will consume you and might happen. I let that happen to me. I was scared of not being good enough, and the result of that was seriously damaging my self-worth. I realized that yes I have weaknesses, but my strengths are what keep me going. I know that I am a loving, caring, kind-hearted, hard-working, powerful girl and that nobody can dull or change that. I stopped caring about my weaknesses and fears, and instead accepted them and moved on. I encourage you to do the same:)